Crazy Days

Epiphany

2011-10-01T14:30:00.000-05:00

I'm so frustrated with my parents. They think me applying to colleges/universities is a time for them to make me feel stupid. They keep demeaning me by asking rudely, "Can YOU handle it?.... are YOU smart enough?" " I don't think you are". I just feel so hurt by their words. They know how much I want to go to Loyola, and they just keep making me doubt myself. All I've been doing is crying... researching for colleges and crying, trying to make a decision about my life. They keep doing this to me. I am hurt. I am crying while writing this. The fact that they doubt, humiliate, misunderstand, and judge me, hurts. It cuts me so deep... I know that I can do it, I can be anything I want to be and I know they can't stop me, but it hurts knowing that they doubt my decisions and they make fun of me for it. Them doubting me also shows how lousy they are as parents, they can't even seem to encourage me or my decisions. They are holding me back with their doubts and demeaning nature. I think I will just have to make careful decision while applying to colleges by myself, since no one is willing to help me. I was hoping for my parents to help me, they helped my brother out and plus, they ARE my parents, but I guess I was stupid to think that they would encourage me, I thought they would change, that they would not be their always discouraging selves. But, I was wrong. I finally have accepted how they are. And I cannot do anything to change them. All the years that I have spent trying to fit into their idealized daughter... was for nothing. They do not appreciate me. They want to see me fail. They want to see me skin my knees. They want to see me helpless and dependent. But you know what... even though there is a possibility of that happening to me, I will not ask them for help. I will not bug them unless it is vital for me to do so. I will leave them alone and continue my own course in life. Afterall, I have finally accepted their negligence of me. I have finally realized; epiphany. Only I can get myself through this ordeal. I will have to change my mentality now, right this instant. I have to become a clear decisive thinker if I want to be successful in my life. I will try to "shut the fuck up" like they always say, but I will do my own thinking and decision making. They have thought for me because they would not let me think my own thoughts, but now, I will fall, I will scrape my knees, I will crawl, and I will learn to get on my own two feet, all by myself. I am done meeting their "requirements". I know what I want in life and I will pursue it, without their kindness, positivity, and help. I have been through hell because of them, and I have never even shown them one bit of disrespect in the years that I have been alive. Well now, that will not be my priority anymore. It is time to become a better person. I do not want to be negative, undecisive, and goofy anymore. I will have my humor forever, but I will stay on task more. I am going to find motivation without them. They were my motivation. Now, I will be my own motivation. InshaAllah.
I just need to believe,
Love,
Shay

RIP Zyzz :(

2011-08-31T12:28:00.001-05:00

Zyzz died... ten days ago. I'll miss him. May he rest with Zeus. <3
So inspirational: http://www.simplyshredded.com/exclusive-zyzz-interview.html

KITCHEN

2011-08-29T21:22:00.001-05:00

So, I just loaded the dishwasher...lmfao. Honestly... I don't even know if it is gonna work. FIRST TIME, you know???! lol. Hopefully it will work! ahahah. Eid is tomorrow... i hope!!! :)

Summer is Almost Over

2011-08-27T15:25:00.000-05:00

The title says it all. Although this summer was rather uneventful and very emotional... I have to say I will miss it terribly. I will never forget the lazy days where all I ever really did was sleep till the late afternoon where the sun took the happy liberty to always wake me up with its rays. Ahhh... I am really gonna miss it. I am not really looking forward to Senior year. I'm kind of scared of what might happen this year considering the fact that I am taking difficult classes, I need to apply to Colleges/Universities and write essays(!), and just the fact that there is so much to be done and I feel all antsy. Nevertheless, I still feel tired after this summer, with taking Pre-Calculus and doing summer homework; I still haven't finished my book and I need to review for my chem test! And that is because I keep on procrastinating... I can't help it. I just feel so tired because of Ramadan, and because I am fat. Not only that but I have to study for the ACT's! Plus I am in Link Crew and my partner is this annoying asian kid that I don't really like. I just hope that he does work and that I am not the only one that will be talking to the poor freshmen. I feel so trifled and lost sometimes and it takes me forever to get over things... but I am slowly learning to let go of such things and move on with my life. Afterall, you can only move forward to succeed, and that is exactly what I have begun to prioritize and do in my life. To be honest, last school year, junior year, I was at a breaking point because I was stressed out with school and home life and begun to just not care, and I got jealous of the people around me because they were "magically"doing better than me. I was puzzled but little did I realize that their success was partially because of the help they were "secretly" getting from other teachers/friends, my own help, and the fact that they had no other stress in their lives were the reasons why they were doing so well. So, I had figured that out half way through the year when I realized that I needed to overcome the stress and craziness and really focus hard so that I could get back into the Top Ten range. (I was number 11). And I did not like it that both of my friends were ahead of me, one being number 3 and the other number 6. It just wasn't fair. I was working harder than them... but I realized that I was caring too much about what other people were doing and I wasn't focusing hard on myself. I was causing myself to freakout about other people's success rather than believe in myself and conquer school. (Which I thought I would fail to do). But now I feel like I just need to relax and strategize everything, I mean I used to be very studious, so I should have it still in me to be studious... I just need to rethink my outlook on life. Hopefully, I will conquer my emotions and dedicate myself to life's tasks. I just need to make the jealousy and the care go away. Sometimes you need to be ruthless to succeed, and that is something that I will have to learn how to be. I'll keep you as updated as I can bloggy!
Love,
Shay

Happiness...

2011-06-18T13:38:00.003-05:00

June 16- deactivated Tumblr.
June 17- got high w/ a friend.
I officially love cannabis. <3

Boiling Temper

2011-06-15T18:04:00.002-05:00

I am tired of being alive. I guess I just need a break from everything, especially Chicago. I cannot handle the crazy mood swings this city has to offer and I cannot handle the people in this city either. I wish that I could just leave and never come back-no- maybe I could come back in like a few years, just to visit. But, I do not think that will ever happen because nothing ever goes my way. Everything has to be my parent’s way. I have no say in anything. Funny isn’t it. It is like you work hard for what you really want but in the end, you can’t really have it because it will never be yours. Life just does not ever feel right. I never feel right. I just cannot take being in my mind any longer. I do not know exactly what I want, but I DO know that when I want something, I will go out and get it. Forget the world and all of its bull shit, I am going to work on myself from now on. No more Ms.Nice&Knd, time for Ms.Bitch.

May

2011-05-01T12:31:00.000-05:00

It is now May. I feel a little bit better since ACT's are done... I know I will be taking them over again.
People still are pissing me off but I am trying my best to not let it get to me, afterall, Karma will get all who reckon with you. I have been getting into a lot of fights with my family... I am angry. I haven't worked out but I plan on working out today because it is sooo beautiful outside! The sun started shining fiercely at 7:00 in the morning... I could not help but wake up early today. Ahhhh... I love the weather when it is a gorgeous light blue, not a cloud in site and the sun shining with all its power. So damn beautiful. Gosh... : ) I have been getting a lot of headaches but I guess this weather will reduce all that craziness. I need to learn how to drive again... I kind of forgot how to! LOL. I kind of learned how to thread... YES! I honestly do not want to spend money on something I could easily do at home, so I feel like that is a big accomplishment. Well next week I have my AP exams, I have three, my other friend has 4 (over achiever, I know) and my other friend has two. We have a lot of exams coming up and the sad thing is I will have to go through with this again next year. BOOO! But oh well... II will do anything to educate and and understand better and many people should too. Afterall, the world doesn't asked to be learned, you have to go out and learn it yourself. I thought I had not typed in here forever... I have tumblr now... it is cool. But I missed you bloggy! : ) I am glad we are talking again. <3
Love,
Shayla

Alone

2011-03-17T22:12:00.000-05:00

I feel as if no one understands me, not even my family.
This feeling is scary and stressing, but I feel as if I don't need anyone to guide me, I can guide myself, but I feel so alone.
It is an exhilarating yet frightening feeling.
Let us see what it brings us...
-Shayla

Depression

2011-02-25T16:14:00.000-06:00

The cymbalta commercial is right. Depression DOES hurt.
The body aches and pain are a part of me now and have been for a week.
I am gone.
The smile is no longer genuine. All that comes out of me when I am at home is angry swear words and tears.
I have given up, even though I am the voice that keeps people going.
I plan to kill myself soon. I hope that that plan is successful so that I can actually feel some other emotion other than pain. I am so low... you have no idea. My friends helped me today... but it just didnt help when I got home. Oh man... I do not know the exact reason for this depression, it is just a LOT of things... my parents, friends, family, school... all of it is causing it. I think I need to die so that it will all go away. I have fought this battle long and hard and I think I can say that I forfeit... death come and take me away, I am seriously yours. I am a burden to myself and to my loved ones. Take me away... I cannot stop crying. This pain hurts so deep. It is as if it has taken over my heart and I cannot escape it. I cannot smile anymore, I have to force it out of myself. I don't even respond fully anymore. Oh god, help me please. Just kill and get it over with. I am hurting too many people...

Fuck you all

2011-02-23T19:43:00.003-06:00

I hate everyone and everything.
I am now... I don't know... I am prolly not gonna write much here anymore.
Fuck you all... bastards.

Documentaries

2011-02-12T23:21:00.002-06:00

are amazing. for realllz.
http://topdocumentaryfilms.com/beautiful-truth/
there are like tons on there... they are all so amazingggg. thanks to mr.myers... now I am hooked on documentaries!

Update

2011-02-10T18:42:00.001-06:00

Hey diary,
It has been a while since I have updated but I just wanna say I am obsessed with Ray William Johnson, the youtube phenom. But today I kinda found out that he was/is in a relationship and I was just turned off from him. I guess that is a good thing for me! Atleast now I will be more focused on myself than him... :) But, I just really want a boyfriend, someone I can talk to and have some fun with, if you know what I mean ;] I feel like I should be allowed to have one... I would not do anything as stupid as do it right away and if I were to do it, I would be uber smart about it, WEAR A CONDOM! DUHHH.
But yeah.
My school is still blah, we got a new bio teacher and she is great so far. I think she favors me, and I hope to get an A because of that... lol! But come on, this year is really hard and it would not hurt to kiss-ass in a class that is AP and get a GPA boost so it would look good in college applications. Sad thing is, I did not make it into the NHS program thing that my school has, even though I was top ten last year... and the saddest part is that I am no longer in the top 10, I am number 12 now... my friend Xiu replaced me. As bummed out I am by this, I am happy that her hard work paid off for her because she has been working extremely hard this year and I am truly proud that she got it, but it hurts me that I did not make it. It hurts me that I did not make it to either of the Top Ten or the NHS.
But, I guess there is always a time where you are at your greatest and a time where you are at your lowest and I guess this is one of those times. I pray to Allah that I may be able to climb out of this sad slump and that I am able to continue prospering, iA.
Oh! And I had this lang presentation today and I am so happy to be over with it... like NO LIE!
Yeah bloggy, you know I "love" you and Jersey Shore (which I shall see tomorrow),
so I will see you when I see you,
Lustfully yours,
Shay

Need a New Life

2011-01-25T17:00:00.000-06:00

People are annoying.
My friends are becoming distant and I cannot tolerate that.
If people become distant because of absurd things like school, that is just fucking ridiculous.
Everyone is turning into overachievers and no one is willing to help anyone out.
I realize I can trust no one but myself.
I feel like an idiot.
Whatever.
I am going to do my own thing... I really don't give a fuck about overachievers anymore... I have something in my mind that I know I will conquer and people like that irk me but I know I will work past that... I just want to yell at them to just shut the fuck up.
I just want high school to be over with because I don't want to deal with overachievers, fakes, and wannabes ever again. I just want a new life and not know any of the people I now know. Everyone is so shady... they are hiding themselves afraid to share information or assist anyone... selfish world.
I am glad I came here to vent.
People are annoying, weird, and untolerable, no wonder we die.
Fuck everybody... I am just gonna have fun on my own and will start being mean... shit, no matter how much I help someone they never appreciate my gratitude.
Get ready for a bitch to be unleashed.
Started XU on Saturday... 189 starting... let's see how far I get with this.
May Allah guide me and help me because right now, my friends and somewhat of my family can go fuck themselves.
Love,
Shay

Destruction

2011-01-15T18:39:00.000-06:00

I had a nervous breakdown today.
It was horrible.
I cried and vented to my mom, while my brother was immaturely laughing and my sister was having fun. My mom supported me and yelled at my bro to stop making fun of me. And then she told my dad. I told him the truth about how upset I was feeling about how they have been treating me and I prayed to God thanking God for all "he" has done for me. I really broke down. I cried for a long time and I confessed the wrongs my family has done to me. And my mom was appalled because I am always cheerful everywhere I go. You see, I help everyone, but no one can ever help me. No one will ever succeed in helping me because I am someone who cannot be helped. I alone can help myself because I alone hold the key to my mind. But really... today was a ventful and breaking down day. I hate people. I need a vacation...
Anyway...
Finals are here and I am cracking my back studying. I pray that I can get a major grade boost because I deserve it. So much competition in school and so much yelling at home discouraged me and I broke down today... no one understands my frustration because no one knows what it is like to live in a house where you are constantly yelled at for no reason, where you are constantly put down, where you are constantly degraded and reduced to nothing. And people who say they know how it feels, NO YOU FUCKING DON'T KNOW HOW IT FEELS, OKAY!?!?! YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT FEELS LIKE TO BE ME IN THIS HOUSE, WITH THESE ADAMANT PEOPLE... YOU REALLY DON'T. I love my family... but they just love to destroy my life in small unthinkable ways. So this caused me to completely break down and cause me to take a whole load off my mind. Yet even with the load removed... I feel burdened that I let my feelings be known to my parents who work so hard.
I really just want to move on with my life but I feel like I am stuck while my friends happily progress and get support from their families to pursue their education and life. Life really sucks right now... but I guess life will always get worse before it gets better and I will have to just deal with it as I always have. Thanks for letting me type my thoughts here.
Bye Diary,
Sincerely,
Shay

Best Advice from The Hills

2011-01-11T18:05:00.000-06:00

Kelly Cutrone says this in Season 5 ... when Lauren asks her about advancing her career:
Be Smart, Be Brave, Tell The Truth & Dont Take Any Shit
I think that is GREAT advice.
It is totally Kelly-like.
Brillant!
Bye,
Shay
P.S- school sucks balls.
effit.

Back to School in the New Year

2011-01-02T14:22:00.000-06:00

Winter break is over...
I barely got any sleep because I was busting my back helping my parents but they still don't appreciate me or the time I spend doing everything for them. Whatever time I get for myself I use it to watch The Hills or try to do something good for myself. I haven't worked out in a week because of fasting. I got some shopping done... with pain because I was with my mom, who was uber annoying. But I have learned a lot about myself and the people around me this winter break. I have learned that my parents don't want to connect with us kids because they are hiding a whole shit load of stuff from us, I know it. My intuition is always right, always. I have been getting really weird dreams that I am remembering more and more everyday. Everything is just getting really weird. Life sucks but I have to make do with whatever I have... like my friend said... you gotta take baby steps to get to wherever you're going and that is what I am doing... at a super slow snail pace. Thank God, that I have this blogger... it helps out so much! :") I am so tired and we have school tomorrow. I dyed my hair this Cinnamon color yesterday but it didn't turn out like the box but it looks kinda cinnamon in the sunlight... I was like Okayyyyyy... weird. But yeah. I just wish that this stressful half of the year ends already... I feel defeated.
I don't know how I am gonna conquer anything... I will just go with the flow and fight till the end,
Love,
Shay

The Hills

2010-12-27T23:57:00.000-06:00

So I have been watching The Hills. Yeah.. the HILLS.
Surprising... eh... I want to know why people would wanna watch that show and it is because of how manipulating guys are... they can turn you against your best friends.. like Spencer did to Heidi and Lauren... but this is a comment that I thought was really amazing that one watcher made on the MTV site where I watched it... I am on Season 2 Episode 9... ALMOST DONE... ! I wanna learn why they behave a certain way... I am a weird person like that wanting to learn stuff through the internet because I cannot fucking go out and learn it myself because of my parents... anyway... here is the comment:

if a guy ever tries to isolate you from the people you were hanging around when you met him...even if he might have had a plausable reason to do it...he is bad news! That is the beginning of a relationship that will turn out to be one of manipulation, control, abuse, crazy head games, and it will ruin you. Plus, you will find it impossible to leave. Those are the kind of guys that threaten and scare you when you want to leave while telling you they are your soul mate and no one will ever love you as much as they do...and you believe them. On both parts.

Whoever this person is... is so fucking right.

I really love learning about social stuff... so intriguing.

Anyway,

I Will SEE YOU LATER!

Still can't sleep,

Shay

Love don't live here anymore

2010-12-25T15:53:00.000-06:00

Kerli - Love Is Dead Lyrics

This is the hardest part

when you feel like you're faded

All that you have become unreal

collapsing, and aching

All I want, All I want is right here

but love don't live here anymore

(love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore)

love don't live here anymore

(love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore)

I know that you think of me when your

beside her, inside her

it must be so hard for you to

deny it and hide it

Oh, all I want

All I want is right here, but love don't live here anymore

(love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore)

and love don't live here anymore

(love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore)

x2

love don't live here anymore

(love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore)

love don't live here anymore

(love is dead, love is gone, love don't live here anymore)x4

Oooh,love don't live here anymore

I frieken love this song. :) Really good beats.
Random... but, I really don't like The Hills, the show... it is so FUCKING STUPID! WORDDD.
EH... fasting... making up the days I missed... so fuckin hungry! WAHHHH.
My bro is coming back... from jamaat. Wonderful.. now no one is gonna care about me... not like they ever did but now, they wont even care... FML.
I broke my dad's phone thing yesterday by accident... fucking lazy faggot he is... well whatever... fuck him and fuck this family.
Okay,
Bye my love,
Love don't live here anymore,
I can't really sleep lately... I unno why.. :(
Bye,
SHAY

Gloomy Monster

2010-12-22T13:43:00.000-06:00

That's me.
I am a gloomy monster.
I ruin plans and put forth my evil past and ruin moods.
MUAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.
It's not like I like doing that... it is just that I hate winter break because this time I have to study all this shit and read so much and do so much and I am going crazy... I can't focus and I feel like giving up.
No motivation for this gloomy monster.
WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH.
I miss Jersey Shore.
I miss my friends... even though they piss me off a lot more than they ever did.
I miss the fun, carefree times.
I wish I could get a 30 or above on my ACT.
Fuck,
I hate everything.
:((
Bye,
Shay

Sweet Escape

2010-12-22T13:38:00.000-06:00

Poetry Sung
You think you know me, but you don't
You think you saw me, but you won't
That sentence above doesn't even make sense in the right mind's eye
I think I'm loosin' it, definitely
Just yesterday, I was called crazy for being the helpful me that I am
Now you tell me, aren't we all just a tad bit crazy ourselves?
We hide our crimes behind poker faces hoping we won't loose our places in life, in "love", in society
But let me ask you, what meaning does any of this have if we are not happy?
Happiness, in my opinion, can be bought.
Why the hell not?
You can buy yourself something nice like a spa vacation in some faraway place where you can bathe in the aqua colored water that carresses the pink sands, all under the summer sun, by yourself without anyone disturbing your peace of mind.
You will slowly unwind .
Nothing will matter once you've begun to feel happy that you had the money to escape from the sad life that was forced upon you.
Everything will matter one day, but why would you let it matter to you when you've bought yourself some happiness.
Isn't it sad that you can't buy time.
You can buy age, it's called botox.
But you can't buy time.
Happiness can be bought.
Definitely.

This is a song in my mind... it should be sung with a high happy voice. That is how I wrote it.
Love,
Shay

Too much laughter, too much sadness

2010-12-13T21:49:00.000-06:00

Yeah, the title tells it all.
I have begun to laugh a lot again... that is to cover up the fact that I am in much pain.
I can't even talk to my friends about it... wtf am I supposed to say... they aren't me, they don't know what exactly is going on that is making me like this. I have always been dealing with shit by myself and I guess I will laugh and cry through this problem as well, just as I have previously with all major problems. But I wanna give major props to ABOVE AND BEYOND. They live up to their name completely... they have seriously helped me so much... I can't even imagine to tell you. I would have cried and given up today if it has not been to my headphones and Above and Beyond. They are truly a shining beacon of hope for so many people in the world. Thank you guys, I love you. :")
I wish I could meet you guys,
:"\
Shay

TATW with A&B

2010-12-12T18:19:00.000-06:00

I officially love trance, esp. Trance Around the World with Above & Beyond.
I discovered them a month or two ago... and I love them ever since.
This music just makes me so happy inside. I love it.
I love it with the actuality of love if it existed.
I wish I could go to their concerts and meet them in real life.
I wish I could tell them that their program saved my life in a way.
I will write them or email them or something one day.
One day.
Trance Lover Forever,
Shay

Saw

2010-12-05T20:03:00.000-06:00

Watching the Saw movies has given me a new outlook on life.
I feel as if we should just keep on working with what we have got and keep on doing good on this Earth... help the ones that should be helped but also help the ones that you know are in dire need of help. It really has just made me realize that my problems are quite ridiculous... I mean I know I will keep bitching but it will be quite meaningless... there are far more important tasks that need to be done on this Earth, and bitching is not a useful task. I watched Saw1 to Saw6 on Saturday and Sunday. I still have to see 3d, maybe I will watch it when the DVD comes out or whenever possible. I am just mad that this movie did not catch my eye sooner.
Atleast I have found it now.
I still have to finish the Season 3-5 for Dexter... eh... maybe in the Summer... I unno.
I still need to workout.. I was gonna go but my effin mom always does other shit.
EH.
Shay

George Clooney and Sudan

2010-12-04T13:00:00.000-06:00

I watched this documentary of Sudan yesterday on NBC.
George Clooney is trying to help the South because they are weak and our supposedly "oppressed" by the North because they are Christian.
Funny thing is that the South has a lot oil.
So if the South has a lot of oil... but no support... America is gonna "help" them become seperated from the North and then they are gonna use South Sudan's oil.
Man... I love George Clooney... but I feel like he is not seeing the big picture here... of why America will RUIN South Sudan if we help them. I am not saying we shouldnt help them but I think we should cause a compromise to happen between them... after all, they are the same people, it is just their religion that is different.
They say that a war might break out there in January 2011.
I pray to God that that doesn't happen and I pray that the North and South of Sudan can work something out between each other... afterall, we don't need another country hating us.
George Clooney... I love you... but I feel as if you are doing the wrong thing in the long run and I feel as if you are being paid or pushed by people to make Muslims look bad. I understand that the South need help... but I feel if you help them, do not FUCKING take their oil. Not even a drop. It is theirs... and do not embellish their hearts with hatred for Islam and its adherents.
It is all up to Allah now.
Worried Sick,
Shay

17

2010-11-26T13:40:00.002-06:00

I wrote a lot of stuff on this blogger and it did not publish and it erased it.
Oh well.
Thanks for the birthday wishes people, the thought definitely counts!
Times are changing I feel a change.
A crush added me on fb.. I was like I AM OVER YOU.. AND NOW YOU ADD ME???? (in my mind)
I wanna dye my hair.
Love,
TYRA.
JK
SHAY

Alone Tonight

2010-11-09T17:54:00.000-06:00

I love this song.
:)
Oh YEAHHHH.
:)
Ugh... life sucks... but eh, whatever man.
One more year till I get out of highschool.
Man, things have really changed.
I have changes, my friends have changed.
So much has changed.
And the most amazing thing is that things will ALWAYS keep changing.
"I've wrestled with angel all my life, it's always the halos and the wings that keep you blind. And if I fall with all the strength I held inside, I wouldn't be out here, along tonight!"
I LOVE IT. It is my jam. It is sad and awesome and clubbbb like. :)
IMA GO WILD ONE DAY.
Eh... :) I am prepared for that day. I just need to stick to the plan. :)
UGH.
Bye love,
SHAY

Weird

2010-10-29T23:17:00.000-05:00

Halloween is coming up in two days!
O M G!
:)
But I am not trick or treating... I will be studying because this year needs the upmost attention it can possibly recieve. And I know in the end it will certainly pay off!
But man... this stress is really annoying, especially when you have more work in honors classes than in AP classes... that just doesn't make sense... but I guess humans are dumb ass creatures so nothing really ever makes sense.
¡AYE!
I really am tired... but for some reason I cannot sleep.
I prolly will be able to sleep, it is just that I have only found time now to relax a bit and calm myself down. This week was so LONG AND HECTIC! URGHHHHH.
I just wish that I get a score range of 30 on my ACT... or else my parents will be super pissed off. :(
Plus, I have not prayed in like a month... that is super horrible... like I have not formally prayed, I have prayed informally... but I feel like I need to make the damn effort and do it, see, I am being positive here on my blog and it feels weird.
How weird.
:)
Oh well.
I am kinda really happy because I got an A on my Spanish presentation, even though I was a nervous wreck! AHHHH, I am sooo happy!
But I know my bubble will burst once I found out my grades for Physics and Trig... my smile will turn upside down... UGH.
THAT IS JUST ANNOYING, ISN'T IT!
I guess you loose some, and you gain some... speaking about that... I gained weight because I have not had the time to work out! URGH! I hate when that happens, it is like you pay so much effin money to be at a gym and then you cannot go because of your busy ass schedule and your extensive homework. That is just irritating, but I will try to make something happen that will enable me to use my time efficiently, productively, and throughly to get me the things I want in life.
I just need to get my shit together... but it is definitely easier said than done.
Plus this year, my friends and I are becoming independant... I kinda feel really sad about it but I know inside that they will still be my friends, we just won't have so much stuff that is common. But I will definitely try my best to keep in touch with them if they also want to be in touch with me.
Speaking about relationships... I cannot and will not have one this year... and definitely not next year, maybe not... but i unno. Because I feel like I am going through a change where I am saying no to wearing the scarf... I do not know why... I just feel that I love it but that I am not representing it correctly, the way it should be represented. I feel bad for it but I am not confident enough to tell that to my parent, especially my dad because I feel as if he might get mad at me for saying that and might take my change in the wrong direction like "you are doing all this because you are a whore or like you are turning into a rebel like your brother" or something like that... and that would definitely suck a lot. I dont want that idea to reach my father's mind at all. It would really hurt me if I saw him hurt or mad because of me. I love my dad! And my family. Even though I have been through a lot because of them. I guess I am who I am because of them and because of my friends; the ones who left and the ones who are still my best buds.
YEah...
feelin
weird!!!!!!!!
LOVE,
SHAY

Negative Nancy

2010-10-24T18:33:00.000-05:00

I am a Negative Nancy.
I can't help it.
But know that I may be a little of sometimes, but I still love my life.

Everything is Broken, Say It Right

2010-10-23T13:10:00.000-05:00

I am loving those songs because that is what is happening in my life right now.
It is really unfortunate that all I ever update about in this blog is the bad times in my life, but the bad times are the only things that outweigh my good ones. I barely have any good experiences. I know that life is gonna be really tough, but my life has been so tough, you don't even know. You only know what I tell you. You don't see the pain that I have everytime I smile and make a joke. I am one sad case, and people just judge me, saying that we all go through that shit and you are just weak for it.
REALLY?
Because from what I know, you don't know me.
You don't know anything about me.
You only know what I tell you and only what you see.
So, shut the fuck up.
And don't talk to me if you are not here to help me and are here to judge me and hurt me.
Because if you ARE here to hurt me and you come in my path, i will tear you apart.
TRUST ME, I WILL.
I am changing and I don't care if anyone likes it or hates it.
I am not living by the rules anymore.
Maybe I am meant to leave early.
Love you forever bloggy,
SHAY

Stress, Hardships, Love

2010-10-07T16:20:00.000-05:00

I love my nani.
I told her what I would do if she died and she told me to never give up and keep living. And that Allah is the one that is the giver and taker or lives.
I love her so much, she is just so amazing.
:"""""""| I would seriously kill myself or something if she died.
She gives amazing advice and she told me that if I don't do good in something, I will learn from it and that the next day things will get better. Whatever happens today, won't happen tomorrow. :)
Thank Allah for her.
Her love keeps me alive.
:""""),
SHAY

South Park

2010-10-07T16:18:00.000-05:00

I love this show.
And it is back on! :)
So happy about it.
:),
Shay

Suicidal

2010-10-06T20:32:00.000-05:00

School is a piece of shit.
So are the people that attend it.
I attend it.
And I feel like shit.
Fuck this year.
Fuck my friends.
Fuck my family.
Fuck my lame ass life.
I hate everyone and everything.
I am suicidal now more than ever...
I do not know how I will survive the next eight months.
I haven't prayed in a long time.
Because I have no time.
All my efforts are a waste.
I wanna die.
Kill me, please.

Miserably yours,
Shay

NEVER

2010-10-01T21:47:00.000-05:00

Never complain.
Never explain.
Just be it.
-Matthew Rolston

I wish I can do this.
I will.
Love,
Shay

Lyrical

2010-09-22T16:32:00.000-05:00

I feel myself crashing, right before my eyes.
The people around swarming, askin' are you alright?
I try to answer but my voice is gone and my vision is fading.
The darkness upon me, my mind is spinning.
Where am I, am I in Heaven or Hell...
then I open my eyes and there I am,
in a death-like hospital room, lookin' around and all I see...
is gloom.
What
The
Heck?
This is just weird, I thought to myself...
how am I here? What just happened?
And then I realize how my anger got to me. Yes, it got to me... such a silly girl I am, I can't even take no heat and using to bring about energy.
I sigh and then I begin to cry... wishing that I could die... but who am I kidding... no one really knows the feeling of death because no one has come back to tell about it... except in religious terms.
This stress has drove me to a mess... it's really sad.
My kindness is fading as I am goin' crazy by the minute.
My family has never been there... so there I lay in the gloomy hospital bed, waiting for something to rescue me.
The television doesn't help me at all.
The internet with its collosal networking sites don't ease the loneliness.
My friends... who am I kidding? I have lost their friendship or have it on a thin string.
But what can I say to make everything okay... I can't control anything.
Life is a struggle, no matter how hard you hustle, there are always those times where you wish you had a reason to fail.
And then you feel down, like you've lost in this long hard battle, especially when you are so bound by your parents.
But, don't worry, this crazy lady will soon be the lesser evil of this world.

Love,
Shay

Family Feud

2010-09-14T20:41:00.000-05:00

Hey, diary.
School has stupidly started... fml. But, you know I can do it! :)
I just need time to relax, which means I need to find time to exercise! D:
But, that is not what I came here to type out here.
I came here to type my angry or angering feelings towards my family.
Like right now my grandparents are arguing... like for NO FUCKING reason!!!!
They always have something to argue about, esp. now since he came back from India, like broke as hell.
They have nothing to do and always argue, and I am sadly getting that habit.
I, now, tend to argue for no apparent/underlying reason with anyone when I get angry or have nothing really to do... I need to change that.
And I am counting on Allah to change that... I have been restarting my prayer schedule and intend to keep praying... even after countless debacles in the news and what I hear about happening in mosques nowadays.
I believe in Allah (God) and I am not gonna let stupid people ruin that faith in me.
Insha Allah, may the faith in me never die,
Shay
P.S.- I like it by Enrique Iglesias feat. Pitbull is like OMG <3 YUMMMMYYY. ;)

School Is On Again

2010-09-06T18:15:00.001-05:00

Tomorrow is school.
Summer is over.
The hardest year of my life in high school terms has begun.
May Allah help me.
Love,
Shay
(p.s- i am rethinking on that love stuff... ttyl!)

Frustration

2010-08-25T14:38:00.000-05:00

Hey Diary,
I really need to vent today.
Today was this orientation thing for freshmen and then for us juniors like 5 hours later... and since I am in this program called "Link Crew" I had to be at school for like 8-10 hours.
I was sooo annoyed by stupid ass freshmen...
and even by my friends.
I really just wanna leave high school and move on with my life.
I feel like it is such a waste of time.
Like,
I feel as if I could finish all these classes earlier than a year if I were able to, without dealing with inefficient freshmen and people.
I feel so
ANGRY.
Ugh...
family doesn't help either.
I guess...
I just need to...
do something drastic.
:(
Thanks for listening diary,
Remember...
I <3 YA.
P.S.- JERSEY SHORE IS TOMORROW!!!!! SEASON 2 EPISODE 5! FUCKY ERRRTHANGGGG. |P

Problems

2010-08-02T13:17:00.000-05:00

Yes diary, this will be a list of the problems I have faced so far this summer that I remember facing:

~~Dealing with the fact that my sister flushed my LAST set of retainers down the toilet.~~ I got a new set, WHICH COSTS 300 DOLLARS... FML, my parents were pissed OFF!
~~Dealing with my mom cutting my long ass hair that took 2 years to grow~~ Eh... I learned to deal with it by cutting layers into my hair.
~~Dealing with the fact that I shut down my facebook on Wednesday, July 28 in two minutes 1:47 to 1:49 p.m.~~ Maybe I will reopen it sometime soon... who knows?
Dealing with my effin family problems, everyday now I Highly doubt that this will ever CHANGE.
~~Dealing with the fact that my parent don't help me practice driving everyday! :( AND I HAVE MY LAST TRAFFIC TOMORROWWW... UGHHHHHHHHHHHH.~~ My mom has been helping a little bit more... but she is sooo annoying.
Dealing with loud people when I am trying to study and achieve intelligence through books. Yeah, this will NEVER change... trust me.

And that is all I remember... maybe I will post more later if I remember or have more to add. The strike out ones have been dealt with.
Just felt like posting this,
L8tr <3,
Shay

COOLER THAN ME

2010-08-02T12:54:00.000-05:00

http://www.mtv.com/videos/mike-posner/520383/cooler-than-me.jhtml#id=1643831

I love this song.

Lately I just seem to be hooked on songs and videos and all that but you know it is just what I am feeling this summer.
Here are the lyrics:

If I could write you a song to make you fall in love

I would already have you up under my arm

I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this

But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me

You got designer shades just to hide your face and

You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me

And you never say "hey" or remember my name

And it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me

You got your high brow shoes on your feet

And you wear 'em around like it ain't shit

But you don't know the way that you look

When your steps make that much noise

Shh, see I got you all figured out

You need every one's eyes just to feel seen

Behind your make up nobody knows who you even are

Who do you think that you are?

If I could write you a song to make you fall in love

I would already have you up under my arm

I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this

But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me

You got designer shades just to hide your face and

You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me

And you never say "hey" or remember my name

And it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me

You got your high brow switch in your walk

And you don't even look when you pass by

But you don't know the way that you look

When your steps make that much noise

Shh, see I got you all figured out

You need every one's eyes just to feel seen

Behind your make up nobody knows who you even are

Who do you think that you are?

If I could write you a song to make you fall in love

I would already have you up under my arm

I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this

But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me

You got designer shades just to hide your face and

You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me

And you never say "hey" or remember my name

And it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me

Now don't you dare act like you know don't know

Know what's up? 'Cause your nose is up

I'm approaching up, pshh, yup
Like I can't give you winter in the summer

A summer in the winter, Miami in December

Trying to look bored in them Diors, she probably is

Was acting shallow 'til she found out how deep that my pockets is

Mrs. pre-Madonna, this is your reminder

That I think you fine, but I'm finer

'Cause it sure seems

('Cause it sure seems)

You got no doubt

(That you got no doubt)

But we all see

(We all see)

You got your head in the clouds

(Clouds)

If I could write you a song to make you fall in love

I would already have you up under my arm

(Under my arm)

I used up all of my tricks, I hope that you like this

But you probably won't, you think you're cooler than me

You got designer shades just to hide your face and

You wear 'em around like you're cooler than me

And you never say "hey" or remember my name

And it's probably 'cause you think you're cooler than me

I really like this song because it reminds me of stuck up people who act this way. I think we all can relate to this in the way that I am feeling. This song is so meaningful in it's most simplistic choice of words. <3 IT.

Sincerely,

SHAY

Jersey Shore 2

2010-07-31T13:49:00.003-05:00

OMFG! I just sign on to yahoo and it goes to omg.com and then I realize that Jersey Shore 2 started... every Thursday! EFFF YESSS!
I <3 that show, but it better be as good as last year or else I ma be very dissapointed... thank god for MTV!

Here is the link for the Second Season of Jersey Shore... it is soooo FUNNNYYY!
http://www.mtv.com/videos/jersey-shore-season-2-ep-1-goin-south/1644669/playlist.jhtml

To XIU

2010-07-30T13:49:00.001-05:00

Hey BLOGGY, this is a special post to a dear friend of mine, who I have known since the 5th grade. She is amazing... and I have read her blog just today. I know that the quote I said " family comes before friends" is very important to me but it must have really hurt Xiu because she has been trying her best to make plans with me to go and have some fun, because I keep complaining about being bored. I really and truly apologize to you Xiu, I apologize to you if I have hurt you in anyway at all, really. If I have been distancing myself, I am truly sorry, there are many excuses but there is no excuse for not talking to a friend for like more than a week. I hope that you accept my apology and read this blog of mine, cause this post is DEDICATED TO YAAA! <3
You really don't know how much you have helped me since I have met you. It has been five years and I feel as if we have all changed probably for the better. And just reading your post right now, I feel as if I should not say "bffl" or anything similar to that cause that just jinx everything. But I will tell you this, that you are an amazing person... and even though you may think this is CHEESY oR LAME or WHATEVER... I still care about you because you are a great friend and have helped me through a lot and iA we will continue to be good friends. I will try my best to always update you on my life and will always keep asking you about yours!
I know that friendship is really difficult, especially when your in the years of extreme hormonal craziness, and I am just glad that you are that friend that I can always call my friend... not my acquaintance or classmate, but a really good friend... someone who knows my deepest darkest secret and still is an awesome person.
So XIU, I want to say that I am sorry for not being a good friend and that I will try my best to be a better friend. I will always keep checking your blog but I don't know how to comment on there... :(... you changed the settings and layout.. so I was like ???? :) But no problemo... I will keep bugging you and calling you!

Thank YOu BLOGGYYYY,
and Thank you Xiu for being there, always!

Shay

Vacation

2010-07-08T15:11:00.000-05:00

HEY!
It is almost the mid-July and I am so effin bored, tired, and angry.
Family is still a bitch. They won't let me hang out with my buddys.
Ugh...
and they just never stop complaining.
I have no idea when they will stop bugging me.
I have so much to do. SOO many CHORES. DAMN. :(
PLUS, they want me to study for the ACT's that are coming up since I am a rising Junior. ANDDD I have to do my AP BIO. Homework... so much to do, and sadly there is barely anytime to start or finish any of it.
I WISH I HAD HELP.
But whatever, I know I can do it... I just need to pace myself and sacrifice a lot of my peace of mind this year.
I wanna cry but that won't solve my problems.
*sigh*
Bye DIARY,
I <3 U,
:)
SHAY

Everything

2010-06-29T19:33:00.003-05:00

I just posted a blog about my suicidal-ness.
But to tell you the truth I love my family... but I hate them more.
I wish I could do things on my own and be free... I am always "bound" to their rules and shit. I hate that. And I AM IN A FUCKING FREE COUNTRY... WHY THE FUCK CAN'T I DO THINGS THAT EVERYONE DOES? I am not stupid to do things that are bad.. but damn. UGH. My brother can go everywhere because he is a boy, but I can't cuz ima girl. Life sucks.
I wish I were dead.
Bye,
Shay
P.S.-Pray to keep me alive.

Summer

2010-06-29T19:25:00.000-05:00

Hey Blog,
I missed you very much. Really, soooo much.
I am getting suicidal everyday and I am planning to finish my life before turning 31.
I am done with my life... I just have to make my death look like an accident or something natural. END OF THAT DISCUSSION.
This summer started off really well. Now, it sucks.
I can't do anything and my family is being a bitch. NOT KIDDING.
My head hurts everyday and I am so tired... mentally and physically.
I can't take this anymore.
I laugh so much at school and everywhere to hide my pain... but inside, I am dying.
I am tired of everything... mentally exhausted.
I wanna kill myself... but I can't seem to reach for the knife.
I don't wanna live anymore.
Fuck my family.
This is a quote from a women who was led to prostitution... I relate to this because it relates me to death: " Let God Almighty judge who's to blame most I that was driven, or them that drove me to the pass I'm in" -Rose Haggerty
I am being driven by this world and my family to kill myself.
Either I leave them or I work my plan to kill myself before turning 31 years old.
Love,
Shay

Each day is a gulp of poison

2010-06-17T17:30:00.001-05:00

Really it is.
Each day is like a gulp of poison for me.
I feel like I am dying everyday.
So many pressures and so much pain.
I really can't take this anymore.
I have been suicidal since I was eight years old.
Things haven't changed, they've just gotten old.
I really wish that I was a cold corpse.
I hate everything.
Here I write awaiting the sweet kiss of death.
Love,
Shay

Change

2010-06-09T19:00:00.000-05:00

Hi Diary,
It has been forever since I have typed my angst and worries in you, but this time I NEED to vent.
I have been through so much bullshit in my life and you know only some of it. I don't even want to start on other shit that I go through every single fucking day. My life sounds like hell or maybe just bitchiness to you... BUT I swear to you if you were in my shoes, you would know exactly how my life is like; and it is NOT fun at all. Tomorrow and two days ago (Tuesday) I (had) have finals... and I just don't feel like studying at all... and the reason is because I saw this girl's picture at my school while with my best friends. Let us call the girl Sharon. This girl Sharon was in the photo and me and her were super close friends... we were soooo close that she used to call me up everyday and we would hang out and we would do homework together and she would tell me basicly everything. Mind you, this was when I was in 3rd and 4th grade. And then one day, when I was young, she just told me that I needed to loose weight.
LOOSE WEIGHT.
WTF? I am like fucking 8-9 years old and so are you, where the fuck did you get this idea from? That was what I was thinking when she suggested that to me, but I never told her that... because I thought she was just kidding, but she wasn't. And she said that to me afterward... but I still never said anything to her. Then our friendship started deteriorating and I began to loose my friendship with her. And when she became a hypocrite... (she said she would never turn into a girly-girl that puts on makeup and stuff and SHE DID AND DOES STILL), I could not even look at her because I felt as if she went back on her word.
I know it sounds childish to hold that type of grudge, but that really hurt me... it hurt me so bad that I STILL cannot talk to her and I deleted her off my facebook account a couple of months ago. Sharon has changed soooo much, that I just feel sooo angry at her. I just wish that I either go somewhere else and forget or I learn to accept her the person she has become.
Don't get me wrong, I DO believe in change... but her not being my friend and that hurtful thing she told me still lives with me today. I thought of her as a really good true friend... little did I know that she was just gonna recycle me. I feel so used right now when I remember when we were friends. Ugh.
The photograph was of her and this guy at prom, she looked so pretty and I was like "she looks fat" and laughed because I remember how she used to make fun of me so I gave that attitude to her when I saw her picture. To tell you the truth, she did look like she gained a few pounds, but I guess that doesn't matter, she still looked pretty. I wish I could restart our friendship or atleast finish it correctly. Or at most forget her or put that anger I have always felt against her aside and move on with my life. I really need to do that. It is not right that I keep hating someone for who they are... I mean I have changed too... but I do not wanna change into a meaner person.
I pray, hope, and wish that I can let go of this grudge and anger.
I am so glad that I have you to vent on.
You are truly amazing,
thank you Diary,
I love you more than words can describe,
Shay
P.S.- Listening to Alejandro and Paper Gangsta
http://listen.grooveshark.com/#/search/songs/?query=alejandro
Lady Gaga is also really relaxing for me... I love her, I wish I could meet her. : j

Sooooo what it dooo?

2010-04-09T13:20:00.000-05:00

So it has been forever typing up my thoughts on this blogger of mine.
I missed you.
But I caught up on t.v. well my favorite show: Supernatural. I was soo happy! I am watching more t.v. online nowadays than on T.V because my parents messed up my regular t.v. up, I know.. URGH. But whatever! Thank god, google was created... it helps me find sites with my show, anytime. That is how pimp google is. <3 it.
Anyway, I JUST checked my grades on student portal... and I like never check my grades... and saw that my history teacher put me at an 89! A B... i was like could he NOT lIKE fkin round up the grade by ONE EFFIN PERCENT!??!?!?! So I have like A bunch of A's, one B, and one C... and the C in like the easiest subject ever.. geometry... like wtf.. that teacher is an effin whore. UGH.
Whatever... I am really happy about the grades... and so I have to make sure they get better and don't slip or else Ima be yelled at... I know I will be yelled at by my parents about the C.. but fuck them... shit it is not my fault the teacher is a bitchy skank. :)
Anywayzzzz, I am tired but happy. And kinda angry cuz I dont wanna do hmwk and deal with the drama going on at home.
I just remembered, I need to get new clothes and stop eating junk food!
LOL.
I know you love me blogggyyy,
Shay

¿De veras?

2010-03-27T17:53:00.000-05:00

That means REALLY? in Spanish.
My dad is a fucking bitch. He was about to hit me with the dinner chair today because I treated his life by saying that he cares more about his siblings and parents than us.
Motherfucker.
All the years that my mom has gone through his abuse, he will fucking get what he deserves... Allah will deliver that... and I will play a role in it.
I am done with following the rules... I get nothing out of it.
See me change.
Bye,
Shay

Better Dead Than Alive

2010-03-13T20:20:00.000-06:00

I wanna be dead.
My life sucks... that is why.
Everything I work hard for is to no avail.
I can't take these daily fights with my family and the depression of limitations that I have been encamped in.
I can't do this anymore... I am officially depressed.
I mope around the house sad and non talkative... not my usual self.
I am so upset.
My life... just sucks.
And I just started crying.
I wanna be dead than live this prison life.
Dead Inside,
Shay

" What kind of life is it that I am living, in this non-reconciling land?"

2010-03-04T22:20:00.000-06:00

Those words came from my mom... well I translated it from my native tongue to English.
These were the words that she spoke right before she dropped me off at the gym... she was just fed up with life over here, in the States... and in general, so am I. I am so sick and TIRED of school.... like today, we got so much Chemistry homework, I was so close to finishing when I just decided to give up, I was like FUCK THIS BULLSHIT. FUCK SCHOOL PIECE OF SHIT... CUTTING BACK ON FUNDS... WTFFFFFFF?!??!?! I am so mad... I am not even gonna consider calming down or anything... I just want to vent. So I will and am. And I just don't have time for anything man.. for the last couple of weeks my grandma keeps telling me, "Oh Shay, when I die, please be a good child and never bring tears to your parents eyes" and all that.. and I just keep getting sadder and angrier because I NEVER get to spend time with her everyday and she does SOOO much for me... like I can never appreciate her because of all the homework I recieve and my stupid fucking addiction to facebook... I just wanna kill myself right now... or be at the gym so I can take all this anger out... But I can't it is like 10 something at night and the gym is closed.. so I am stuck here... pouring out my feelings on my lovely blogger. I just really want things to get better in my life... I want to spend more time with my family and get close to them... I feel like I am losing them because I am being a stupid fatass by being on facebook and just not having enough time with them... I love my grandma, and if ANYTHING happens to her... or my MOMMY... I swear... I swear to anything... I am gonna just give up on everything... EVERYTHING... I am not gonna give a damn about school... my life... I am not gonna give a damn about ANY FUCKIN' THING.
I am so fucking sick and tired of everything...
I just wish that I was in my tropical island...... (wish I will make you visulize laterrrr)
Wishing and NEEDING,
Shay-la

WORKOUT

2010-02-26T22:52:00.000-06:00

I started working out at this Women's Workout Place close to my neighborhood.. like a mile or two away from my house, since yesterday. It feels good to burn all those calories. I need to work hard and focus all my worries through excercise and get my money's worth out of the exercises I should do over there. I need to do this for myself and my family... mostly myself. I need the help and thank Allah I am getting it... I hope, wish, and pray, that the help will always be there forever.
WISHING,
SHAY

BULLIES

2010-02-19T18:07:00.001-06:00

Today there were these fucking Junior idiots that hit my friend with a snowball that she said that they were trying to hit me yesterday. I am now really mad so I wrote this poem:

Bullies

Picking on people

Awakening a silent evil

Don't hurt me or i swear

I'll be like evil knievel

And cut you up like a bear

And drag your body down the stairs

Just BEAWARE of the silent evil you have awakened.

TO STUPID JERKS THAT BULLY INNOCENT PEOPLE

They should be cautious...cuz you might tick of a nerve that will cause your own demise in the future... BITCH.

GRRRRR.

Ill be okay though...hopefully.

Trust Me?

2010-02-16T19:00:00.001-06:00

TRUST

I can never seem to trust anyone, not my parents. Shit I told my dad to print this essay packet thing for me and he prints it all wrong. I was so fucking pissed. LIke I told him to print it and he just messes it up. He wasted like 69 pages, 69 pages exactly. I was pissed... it is like I have to do EVERY LITTLE damn thing myself. Fucking bullshit. I am so sick of no one helping me and keeping their fucking word. Like how hard is it to fulfill a promise, and if it is really difficult, than fucker don't keep one! Shit.

It is as easy as ONE, TWO, and THREE.

Fuck it aint no rocket science.

So fucking mad. And my mom always argues with me about every little thing. Fucking desi parents, and people, make a big ass deal out of every little thing and when there is a big ass crisis they all back away like little cowards. Shit no wonder India is like all behind, they should fucking learn from China, a thing or two at the least.

God, I hate everything so much right now, I realize that even though you have blood ties and everything else in this world, you don't have trust.

And if you think you do, boy you are fucking arrogant as hell.

Cuz the truth is that you can't trust no FUCKIN body.

Everyone let's you down, if not today, then tomorrow.

One day everyone let's you down in your life.

And that is when you just wanna end their lives.
Like my fucking brother just comes into my room and he is just like starts to mess with my light and start to fucking bug me, that is just so fucking annoying, that motherfucker, if I kill someone, it would be him.
NO LIE.

Well that is how I feel.

I fucking wish I lived in a perfect world.

SHIT I BROKE IT

2010-02-15T21:44:00.000-06:00

I broke a bit of my bottom retainer just by like moving it in my mouth. SHITTTT.

I am scared now like wtf am I gonna do.

Shit.

SHIT.

Man... I wish I had not moved it in my mouth, I was just checking it to see if it was in place.

DAMN.

Break

2010-02-12T14:17:00.001-06:00

Homework on a break, these teachers are so fucking annoying. I have histroy fair too, and I am like UGHHHH. :(
I hung out with my buds yesterday, had TONS of fun.
I wanna just sleep today...but I have so much to do, I will get off the internet soon. See you later lovee.
Shay

Really Tired.

2010-02-10T21:37:00.001-06:00

The title tells it all.

I am just really really frieken tired today. But I am superbly glad that I have a 5 day weekend. I know that I have a lot of homework to do because these frieken teachers are just really big jerks. So I am going to suck it all up and take it like a strong person. I am trying to stop swearing, hopefully it will work, because I think it is just a waste of breath to swear when you can rationally think out some issue that you might be having. So yeah.
I am so tired and my friends wanna hang out and like do some homework together and have some fun, and I am like "that's lame!". LOL. Well, it is, but we have no other choice, especially in this weather.I was like super freezing walking home today and in my house. I was like WTF IS UP WITH THIS HEATERRRR!?!?!? lol.. I think it was just me probably...I am like always cold. There is probably something wrong with my blood circulation. Anyway, I am trying to mature, but does maturing have to lead us to put away the side of ourselves that are so prone to laughing at the most silliest things; our old selves?

I guess I will find out then.

I registered for my classes but I forgot about some things to put on the course registration list, I need to retalk with my counselor about it... it was funny, he was like all "wow, you have really good grades " and blah blah blah, and then he was like "ok im gonna need to sign this and this" cuz we need to sign the classes we will be taking so I am like signing it and he is like " oh so you're a lefty, that is WHY you're so smart!" and I am like LOL. That counselor is really cool, he made me smile for real in like 3 days. It is just amazing how a stranger can light up your world in an instant while your own known folks can't.

I think I really need a companion, but when I think about the possibility reality hits me, pretty hard. I really can't because I have no real time for it... I am constantly on my big ass doing hmwk or doing work at home, so there would be no time for that special someone. I guess it is just for the better like this, no heartbreak for me!

Oh and I totally forgot, we had an earthquake today, a 3.8 earthquake in Chicago and I wokeup just when it happened, I thought someone was shaking my bed and then it just stopped so I went back to sleep, I got kinda freaked out!!! Yeah. Thank gawsh this friend at school told me that there was an earthquake and that she had experienced it too or else I would be frieken out.
This is turning out to be a VERY long post, so I am gonna exit my lovely, sexy, bloggy!
;)
Toodles,
Shay

Living on?

2010-02-09T18:14:00.000-06:00

How is it that I live on when everything inside me is dead?
I do not know how I keep continuing when all feelings have left
my soul is gone, my dreams out of reach, and my brain numb from defeat.
Is there anyone there to help me through this pain?
I guess there is no one there, you are all just a dream,
that will never come true.

I wrote this poem just now. I feel this way because I help like EVERYBODY; whoever needs my help. But when I am at my lowest no one even cares...not my friends not even my family. I feel like poetry is the way I can let it out, but it won't go away. But it helps a bit by making me feel better a little.
I getting emotional because this diary or blogger or whatever it is called has really helped me out. I feel like this is the best thing that has ever happened to me.
I don't know what I would do without you bloggy!
<3 FOREVER,
Shay

Loser

2010-02-07T21:14:00.000-06:00

My team the Colts, lost the Superbowl.
My grades weren't what my parents wanted them to be.
My weight isn't where I want it to be.

I am not where I want to be.

I want to leave,
right now,
Shay
:(
But, you win some, and you loose some. I guess this is just gonna be one good story one day.
I hope, pray, and wish it.

Nothing really...

2010-01-28T17:36:00.000-06:00

I have really nothing to talk about. Thank GAWD finals are over... even though I did not as good as I wanted to, I don't care as long as I got goodish grades... I need to relax and unwind from so much stress and really start thinking about my health. My health affects my performance, physically and mentally. So I really need to start being serious. Hopefully I will be.
I really don't like overachievers, like what are they trying to prove, that they are better than everyone else achieving like beyond others? No, we are all equal, unless you were born by like extraterrestrials than that is an exception that I would certainly accept.
Anyway my lover,
I will see you later,
;)
Shay

Emotions

2010-01-22T18:46:00.001-06:00

So I said in my last post that I would talk about the girls on Jersey Shore. So here it is.
I think the girls are all like fuck me fuck me please BESIDES Jwoww,she is like pimpin. The show ended yesterday, I saw it today though... I was like O M G.. so saddened. I did not want it to end. Like wtf... I don't know why but somehow I felt so connected to it somehow. I miss when things were going good. I hate when things just go wrong, it just creates this hole in my heart. Oh well... I am waiting for another reality show like Jersey Shore, maybe jersey shore 2? maybe.

Anyway, I would also wanna talk about love.
I personally think that love does not exist. I mean how the fuck can it. Shit people only use that word to cover up that fact that they like you for the physical attractiveness that you have for that moment, like wtf? I believe that in this world, only lust exists between people who wanna you know like make "love" or say that they "love" each other. I only care about people and if people are saying love in the place of care, they need to learn how to use the correct words. I am a firm believer in lust, cause if you look at the history of the disgusting human race (yeah i said it, so what?), we all just say we "love" or "care" for each other until we look good, after that... it is like fuck you, you got sagging tits, or you are not sexy anymore, or you can't get a boner so get the fuck outta here. It is all like that. I feel like there is no more hope for the humans on this Earth anymore, seriously. We are all sinful, selfish bastards, all in it for ourselves. Heck, we come into this world alone and we leave in this world alone, so what is the point of family, "so called love", or even friends? If life is a big test, then boy have I failed.
Yeah... I had this HUGE convo. with my friend about this while walking home, I still think she does not understand me. But then again, how can anyone understand you when you are your own self, they are not you.

Having depressing and suicidal thoughts my lovely diary,
But I care about you a lot,
"LOVE",
Shay

Long Time No See

2010-01-15T20:04:00.002-06:00

Dear My Loving "Diary",
I have not typed in you in forever. I apologize sincerely. My parents have left our of the country for like almost 3 weeks now, and they will be coming back in about a week. It has been okay, I just still hate school and am still fuckin stuck in the house and still hate my teachers because they are unfair bitches and finals are coming up and I see people updating their shit on facebook saying that they are studying and I am just like in my mind, FUCK U NERDY MOTHERFUCKERRRR. But I don't wanna say it to their face because I just don't wanna deal with another fight. I am sick of fighting... like it just isn't my thing really, but boy, if u push me down to the point, I will verbally and so help me god, physically hurt the shit out of you... don't mess with me...you WILL get hurt, BADLY. So.. yeah... oh yeah...... I started watching this show called JERSEY SHORE, it is sexy. Like all these hot guys on there, I personally think that Pauly D is like such a quite-like, mysterious, and funny guy, like he does not really get involved with anything, I think he is like really smart for that quiteness and he does not snitch and just keeps laughing... that is soo cute. LOL, anyway, I think I like Vinny and Ronnie the most because Vinny is just like all natural and funny and everything, and Ronnie is like all short fused and sexy big muscle, possibly big down there... yeah I said it, BIG DOWN THERE, fuck you, I like boys, so what if I say it, it isn't a crime so whatever. I just love that show... thank god it was created and thank god that I have internet so I can watch it, like I am officially a fan now. :)
I have finals next week, I gotto wake up early tomorrow and Sunday for religious school, like wtf man... ugh. Anyway, I have break on Monday so that is GOOD!!! Well, not really, I have like all this studying to do because I have finals next week so I don't really have a win-win situation here... oh yeah and in Jersey Shore, I hate Mike "The Situation", he is such an ass, but hey, I gotto give credit to him that he knows how to cook, so yeah.

I will talk about the girls on there later, because being a girl myself, I have a lot of things I am like WTF about. Oh and I am gonna also remind myself to talk about what I think on Love next time to ... so yeah.

Later Haterrr,
Shay
xxxoxoxoxxx

NEW YEAR BABYYY!!!

2010-01-01T19:57:00.001-06:00

Yes, it is the New Year. And I especially logged on to say so. Haven't really been on.. just have been gaining lotz of weight and have been getting really mad. I don't know. I need to let this anger and frustration out somehow... I hope I will be able to in a healthy way! Well... anyway... I wish everyone a Happy New YEar... cuz by god.. 2009 was really depressing for me.
:D
Love you to the core,
that is if love exists,
Shay

Keeps Getting Better-Christina Aguilera

2009-12-11T21:25:00.000-06:00

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rhpuwFA_Fv0

Step back gonna come at ya fast

I'm driving out of control
And getting ready to crash
Won't stop shaking up what I can
I serve it up in a shot
So suck it down like a man
So baby yes I know what I am
And no I don't give a damn
And you'll be loving it
Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps getting better
Kiss kiss gonna tell you right now
I'll make it sweet on the lips i'll simply knock you out
Shut up I don't care what you say
Cuz when we both in the ring you're gonna like it my way
Yeah baby there's a villain in me so sexy sour and sweet
And you'll be loving it
Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps getting better
Hold on
Keeps getting better
Hold on
Keeps getting better
In the blink of an eye
In the speed of the light
I'll hold the universe up
And make your planets collide
When I strap on my boots
And I slip on my suit
You see the vixen in me
Becomes an angel for you
Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps getting better
Some days I'm a super bitch
Up to my old tricks
But it won't last forever
Next day I'm your super girl
Out to save the world
And it keeps getting better
Hold on
Keeps getting better
Hold on
Keeps getting better

I am like this, A LOT.
This is my change.
And like the song says, I DUNT GIVE A DAMN. :) <3

Suffer- Bad Religion Lyrics

2009-12-11T21:09:00.000-06:00

did you ever see the concrete stares of everyday?

the lunatic, the hypocrite are all lost in the fray
can't you see their lives are just like yours?
an unturned stone, an undiscovered
door leading to
the gift of hope renewed
eternity for you
the masses of humanity have always had to suffer
the businessman whose master plan
controls the world each day
is blind to indications of his species slow decay
did you ever see the concrete stares of everyday?

the lunatic, the hypocrite are all lost in the fray
can't you see their lives are just like yours?
an unturned stone, an undiscovered
door leading to
the gift of hope renewed
eternity for you
the masses of humanity have always had to suffer
the businessman whose master plan
controls the world each day
is blind to indications of his species slow decay
people blow their minds

(they choose to resign)
this deformed society
is part of the design
it'll never go away
(it's in the cards that way)
the masses of humanity
have always, always had to suffer!
a door leading to
the gift of hope renewed
eternity for you
the masses of humanity
still clinging to their dignity
the masses of humanity
will always, always have to suffer!

I like this song.. it is fun.
:)

I HATE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU---Three Days Grace

2009-12-11T20:58:00.000-06:00

GOOD ASS SONG. Me gusta mucho. :)

Title: Three Days Grace - (I Hate) Everything About You lyrics
Artist: Three Days Grace Lyrics
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8ekz_CSBVg
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Every roommate kept awake
By every sigh and scream we make
All the feelings that I get
But I still don't miss you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Every time we lie awake
After every hit we take
Every feeling that I get
But I haven't missed you yet
Only when I stop to think about it
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
Only when I stop to think
About you, I know
Only when you stop to think
About me, do you know
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you
You hate everything about me
Why do you love me
I hate
You hate
I hate
You love me
I hate everything about you
Why do I love you

I just really like this song... the beats, the voice, the lyrics, they are all so beautiful... just calms me... ahhh.

Exactly who are YOU to tell me that I am NOT myself?

2009-12-10T19:52:00.001-06:00

One of my best buds told me that my other best bud said that I was "not myself today".
That just pissed me the shit off. I was like how the hell do you know me being "normal", who the hell are you to say that...I could be however the hell I want, YOU should not judge me, shiiiiiiii.
I don't exactly know what is up with me, but I feel like I am constantly smiling and laughing by force, if I did not do that I would end up having fights and would have a very unsuccessful and angry life. The laughing and smiling only keeps me put together becasue I am able to release my stress and channel it to something normal and non-idiotic.
I hate the fact that I have changed so much, but at the same time I LOVE the fact that I am so much stronger. I feel stronger both mentally and physically. I don't know why but I feel like a switch in my brain has gone on that is allowing me to express myself more. I hope, pray, and wish that this feeling, this change, never dissapears and perfects itself in the years to come.
Anyway... today I was eating with my grandma and it was freezing at her house. So, I was like IT IS SOOOO COLD, and she is like yes and I am like what would I do without you grandma, you are sooo awesome and you help me out so much and she is like just pray for me when I die and be a good kid and I am like NOOO GRAMMA I DON'T WANT YOU TO DIE, and I almost started crying. And then I confessed to my grandma that I wish I died earlier than you so I would know that I died before the people I love. And she was like don't say that CHILD. And I was like teardrop. It was a very heartful moment.
These moments make me wanna just keep the family so together and sometimes, other events make me wanna KILL them. But I don't ever wanna hurt my gramma ever, even if she is annoying cuz she is more amazing than my mother, NO FUCKING LIE. I am dead serious. She has sacrificed so much and I think she got so little for her sacrifice... I am gonna make her proud, I just pray, wish, and hope that she lives to see me make it.
On another note,
I hate school. BUT, I stood up to this black kid who sits in front of me in class during Driver's Ed. He is always annoying and nasty (in the sexual way) and he was putting his middle finger of his left hand by his face and he did it last time too but I ignored him last time. BUt this time, I WAS JUST LIKE WTF?!?!? So what I did is that I told him to stop and gave him this deadly look, I am happy to say that he laughed this nervous laugh and moved his hand away from my face and never did it again today. If he does it again Ima go CRAZY. Cuz seriously, boys these days have it TOOOO fucking easy, it is time to make it difficult for them... one death stare at a time.
There is a lot of homework and DONT EVER FUCKING TAKE APUSH during sophomore year... it sucks A LOT.
Teachers should go and get a life and let the students live theirs,
that is not much to ask.
Plus, we fucking spend the whole day at school, why the FUCK do we have to spend the entire night doing homework? It is just too much man, too much. I can't take this anymore. I can't just happily nod and keep going on, not unless I blow off some steam. I wanna go worry-free for just one day so that those problems would just dissapear so I could think straight for once. I wish my life was fun... ggrrrr.
Ugh... I have two tests to study for, one of them I have no idea of what we learned cuz the teacher sucks and she wasnt here to explain this sheet she gave us... I was like WTF??!?!? God i hate her! And the other one better be easy cuz it is just vocab, so basically suffix and stuff that we already kinda know. And I have Ap to do, like 10 pages to read... it is soo fucking lame. HISTORY IS THE FUCKIEST SHIT ON THIS PLANET.
I realized that we humans make our lives so complex, I bet you that one day that aliens will take over us because we would be so complicatedly destroying ourselves with our stupid rules and limitations.
I LOVE SOUTH PARK, funny as hell.
Love doesn't exist anymore, but I care A LOT for South Park, it is toooo fun!
So FU.
:)

XOXOXOX ,
Shayla

Amazing

2009-12-07T23:29:00.000-06:00

My mom is amazing, she really is. I found that out today, well over the course of the time that I have been going to therapy. She is just like me, wonderful, she notices the weirdest things! She also is very fashionable, I noticed that when I looked at my baby photo, I looked like one of those pageant babies! But I had SUPER WHITE skin, nice black eyeliner stuff(cultural thing) and gorgeous dresses... I wish my mom had a better life, she gets treated like shit all the time. I feel so bad, I told her about it and she said that everyone will deserve whatever wrong they did in this world by the will of, kinda like karma and god helping you with your revenge.
Amazing.
I wish so much good for my mom, I hope, pray, and wish she lives a good life... I feel bad for treating her so blah... I never meant to, I wasn't as bad as my bro... but I guess I must realize and treat her with really good respect just like she should be treated! And I should be smarter... afterall she brought me into this world! I love her and I am forever indebted to her... without her, I would not be here.
Thank You Lord for my mother, father, grams (mom's mom), and family. I do not know what I would do without them. :)
Also, I really have been obsessed with doing crunches and push ups lately... I need to work on my body overall, I need to find time to run, but doing the crunches and pushups help me move better, that is so amazing... I thought running would help you only do that, I guess I was wrong. I can't go to sleep without doing my mini workout routine.
I am kinda mad at myself because I broke my record of praying today, GAH! I will start again tomorrow, I promise. When I promise I keep it, if I say i'll do then i may or may not, so YEAHHHH!
Ok now, it is getting really late so Ima sleep now,
Thanks for listening to my "AMAZING" thought diary,
I also don't know what I'd do without you either,
Thanks love,
Shay-la
P.S.-I am listening to All The Right Moves by One Republic
all the other music is like BLAAAAHH right now, even my favorites, this just makes me happy and energetic.
Again, FUCK ANYONE WHO IS BLAHHHH, I have enough shit in my life, I ma be crazy if i feel like it, and I dunt care what yall think.
IMA FREE BITCH BABY.
:)

SOUTH PARK IS DA SHIIII

2009-12-05T22:19:00.000-06:00

South Park is what makes me live on...
southparkstudios.com
That is what I keep watching... news is boring, and so is my life, even facebook is getting boring.
Whatever,
FUCK YOU,
Shay
(I dunt give a shit if I swear, If u got a fukin problem deal with it)
:P

Things Suck

2009-12-05T22:16:00.000-06:00

Yeah, things DO suck right now.
I feel like I am being ignored by my family every single time I talk to them... my anger is taking over me a lot nowadays, I personally think it is because I can not go anywhere to express it.
Watch, when I grow up, or whatever, I am gonna go wild, and there will be no one to stop me.
NO FUCKIN ONE.
School sucks, family sucks, haven't talked to my friends about anything besides school lately, and things are just making me mad.
Especially people, i got practically bullied during 7th on thursday bu fucking juniors who kept asking me questions like: how about someone talked crap about you, would u go up to them and tell them anything? and I am just like um... .... .... .... I dont know, it would depend on the situation.
I hate school, fucking piece of shit.
I hate my other religion place cuz they give so much hmwk, just like regular school and u know what sucks the most, taking an AP class while getting no help from anyone.
I hate everything and wish I was dead... I wonder when this suffering will end.
I feel so fucking sad and depressed...
I dont even want any help, I just wanna leave everything.
When things get better it always seems to be that it gets better for awhile, and then it just goes downhill. :"(
Forget everything, I have to wake up early again and go to a religious school,
FTW!
Sincerely,
Shay
I feel so unappreciated and used... it is not even funny.
:"""""""""""(

Things That Can Make You Smile, Even If It Is For Just A While

2009-12-01T19:12:00.001-06:00

I just felt like putting this on here, it kind reflects me, I am all bright an dbubbly on the outside but I am so dark and depressed inside... see the world does connect and make sense somehow, you just have to piece it together.

Isn't this gorgeous?!?! I think it is beautiful.

http://media.photobucket.com/image/beautiful%20eyes/pushpinderbagga/march/10mostbeautifuleyes/sharbat-gula-10-Most-Beautiful-Eyes.jpg ----------> this link is on an Afghan girl named Sharbat Ghula (Initials SG, lol.. like me!) she has GORGEOUS EYES!!!! And they are natural.

This is even randomer but I was bored so I googled: 100 things to be happy about and this is what came up:

Here are 100 things to turn our frowns upside down:

1-a day off from work or school
2-a field of wild flowers
3-a hot bubble bath
4-getting a raise
5-free lunch
6-cuddling with our spouse or lover
7-home made ice cream
8-a walk on the beach
9-a hug from our little one
10-the smell of fresh roses
11-a soft feather bed
12-a ride on a motorcycle
13-a jaccuzzi
14-getting our hair done
15-playing with play dough
16-an ice cream soda with two straws
17-riding a wave
18-breathing fresh air
19-passing to the next grade
20-getting an A
21-earning that A
22-writing poetry
23-eating pancakes loaded with butter and syrup
24-staying up all night with our friends
25-dancing
26-getting buried in the sand
27-aromatherapy
28-buying a new outfit
29-roasting weiners and marshmellows
30-winning the pagaent
31-riding horses
32-funny pictures of friends piled into a photo booth
33-a cotton sundress
34-getting those braces off
35-trying on perfume
36-painting your toenails
37-cotton candy
38-love letters
39-pop sickles
40-walking through clover barefoot
41-winning the lottery
42-getting published
43-getting a birthday card
44-licking the mixing bowl
45-slipping around the floor in your socks
46-slow dancing with your love
47-a smile
48-a look
49-a kiss
50-candle wax
51-watching fire works
52-strobe lights
53-the ice cream truck
54-playing in a band
55-sleeping all day
56-buying a new car
57-pigging out
58-candle light
59-hot cocoa
60-coffee pots with timers
61-caramel popcorn
62-poetry
63-your favorite song
64-big screen tvs
65-hearing "I love you"
66-push up bras
67-butterflies
68-toe rings
69-thongs
70-peep holes
71-three way calling
72-Christmas
73-Santa Claus, the Easter bunny
74-glueing things
75-old photos
76-old houses
77-vacations
78-palm trees
79-four wheelers
80-diamonds
81-silk nighties
82-champagne (CANT DRINK... URGH!)
83-a cold beer (CANT DRINK... URGH!)
84-a birdie
85-scary masks
86-Halloween candy
87-Easter candy
88-Christmas morning
89-new shoes
90-the first day of school (MAKES ME NEVEROUS... lloll!)
91-the last day of school
92-hot home made chocolate chip cookies
93-making love in the afternoon (SEX!)
94-making love at night (SEX!)
95-love (I personally don't think it exists!)
96-a puppy
97-holding a baby
98-smiley faces
99-weddings
100-gum

Isn't funny how things just need to be a certain way to make us relax and stop being so selfish!
Oh and I just felt like putting the lyrics of Hey Soul Sister by Train:
Hey Soul Sister Lyrics

Hey, hey
Your lipstick stains on the front lobe of my left side brains
I knew I wouldn't forget you, and so I went and let you blow my mind
Your sweet moonbeam, the smell of you in every single dream I dream
I knew when we collided, you're the one I have decided who's one of my kind
Hey soul sister, ain't the Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
Hey, hey
Just in time, I'm so glad you have a one-track mind like me
You gave my life direction, a game show love connection we can't deny
I'm so obsessed, my heart is bound to beat right out my untrimmed chest
I believe in you, like a virgin, you're Madonna, and I'm always gonna wanna blow your mind
Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
The way you can't cut a rug, watching you's the only drug I need
You're so gangsta, I'm so thug, you're the only one I'm dreaming of
You see, I can be myself now finally, in fact there's nothing I can't be
I want the world to see you be with me
Hey soul sister, ain't that Mr. Mister on the radio, stereo, the way you move ain't fair, you know!
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do tonight,
Hey soul sister, I don't want to miss a single thing you do...tonight
Hey, hey
Tonight
Hey, hey

Something awesome awaits...
follow your mind, the heart sometimes is just RIDICULOUS!
;)

Just Another Day

2009-12-01T18:34:00.002-06:00

I don't know why, but I feel like today was soooo damn boring. I mean I had lots of fun today laughing my ass off during ninth, but ... it is just when I got home I just felt so bored and just empty. Empty in the sense that there was nothing to look forward to, I know that there will be homework tomorrow and the day is just going to keep continuing on like that ... I hate that soooo much!
I WANT EXCITEMENT IN MY LIFE, and right now, I am not getting any excitement in my life at all... I wish things were more better, just like I wished they were better yesterday. I hate my AP teacher and course because it is just fuckin ridiculous because I had a conference with him afterschool and he was just blah blah blah and totally lookin up things that did not even help me, why the fuck do people hire idiots who do not know how to teach kids??!?!? MY GOSH! WASTE OF MONEY... :P
Anyway, I am glad I am venting... I was having crazy suicidal thoughts yesterday and I am like super bored today... UGH.
I love you Diary, with any emotion at ALL!
Sincerely,
SHAY

FUCK THE WORLD

2009-11-30T22:13:00.002-06:00

I had a really bad day, and it is all because of school and teachers and my friend JesKa made a group about it... I was happy about that part but I hate school and the stupid kids who are taking up all this space of all the kids who want to learn! FUCK SCHOOL AND KIDS WHO COME TO SCHOOL TO ONLY FUCKING SOCIALIZE AND NOT LEARN.. PISSED OFFFF.
My mom calmed me down.. it seems as if nothing besides my mom and praying to Allah is helping, I don't think my friends are even helping me anymore... that is the cold truth.
I am getting depressed and tired of everything... I need help and I hope I recieve it soon, I gtg and finish my hmwk now... SO MUCH BECAUSE OF FKIN APUSH.
URGHHHH,
I love you though DIARY!
Sincerely,
Shay-la
P.S. Listening to Pitbull and my playlist on grooveshark.com to calm my hot tempered ass down, IT HELPS!
:)

What can I say?

2009-11-29T19:10:00.002-06:00

Funny title actually...
I really don't know what to type in here... besides complaints... :(
Well not ALLLLL complaints...
but some.
I realized a lot of times how heavy I am. And quite frankly I don't wanna be reminded that. I know I am big... BUT BE NICE damn... I don't need my family telling me that 24/7 then telling me to loose weight, while THEY are the ones who bring like 2000 calorie snacks in the house. Plus, I am not even really allowed to go anywhere, like to hangout or stuff that is fun without permission which I barely get, unless I beg and cry my eyes out! So this complaint comes from the fact that my mom has told me that "You need to loose weight" for the MILLIONTH TIME! Like DUHHHH I KNOWWWW. But the thing is it is easier said then done. I want support to loose this weight, I tend to loose weight and then I gain it back somehow, mostly because of stress. Because when I am under stress I eat whatever is there... and that is bad... but I am trying to change that. I started today to only eat if I feel hungry, that does not include when my mouth is dry... which I just figured out means that I am thirsty and not hungry... sometimes I blame my family for making so DAMN large... feeding me random crap and making my stomach HUGE! And then I tell my mom all this and she is like " That was then, this is now" like wtf? when the hell did U start quoting books? lol... anyway, she was also like "you have to loose this weight, YOU need to be in control", and for the first time even though this was the millionth time she has told me those eact words, I finally realized, it really IS up to me.
It was just an eye-opening moment for me... I blamed myself for the first time for my ridiculous weight gain... and you know what! I gain 20 more pounds in 3 months... WTF??!?!? I was like THIS IS F'ED UP! I was mad...
But... I need to take control... I just wish that I lose this weight that is practically killing me... so, I (and hopefully you too) will pray, wish, hope, and DO what it takes to get rid of this FLAB that is making my life MISERABLE!
Another complaint!
My sister is annoying as hell... fucking always gets me in trouble, like WTF MAN!!?!?!??! So annoying... anyway I am beginning to resent my wish when I was 10 years old to have a baby sister, one of the biggest mistakes of my life... UGH!
Anyway, I had a good weekend, even though we did not go to the Black Friday shopping, we went regular shopping with the family, it was OKAY.
It was a bit surreal at the mall where I saw this BabyMama with her kid screaming and yelling at her Baby's father, telling him (and the world apparently, since she was soooo loud!) that he dd not even take care of his son, and I ran to my dad like a little kid (LOL!) and told him about it and he saw her too and he is just like " we should pray that that does not happen to you or your little sister or anyone else" and I am like... GREAT CONNECTION DAD! SIKE! Why do parents have to always connect other people's lives with their kids or others when they have no connection whatsoever? Anyway... I was like wow... the kid looked healthy and happy... I feel sorry for the kid... I hope he leads a good life and becomes something wonderfully unimagined by his mother, in otherwords I wish he becomes his mother's humble pride.
I feel bored really.... I mean after realizing the thrill I get from doing stupid things like goofing off and watching people's problems going in effect, I realized that my life is FUCKIN BORING AS HELLLLLLL!
I wonder when my life will get better, but then again, I wonder when I will loose my first 10 pounds ( I need to loose 50-60 pounds to meet my ideal weight based on my age and height, FAT AS EW I know... :( f u!) , when I will be able to be free, and when my problems will dramatically lower!
I have so much to think about, and not enough time to write it all out.

I think I have to go now... I have some homework for my other school to get done,
until next time my diary,
Shay

Thanksgiving.

2009-11-26T14:39:00.003-06:00

Hey diary, wow it has been almost 8 months since I have written in here, EIGHT MONTHs... WOWOWOWOWOWOW.
That is crazy!!!
A lot has happened since then...
First, remember about the incident that I was supposed to tell my mom. My counselor and I told her in May or sometime before the summer break. It broke her heart and she was sobbing uncontrollably, I could not even move from the chair that I was in to comfort her because I was surprised that she wasn't mad at me. I thought that she would always support me through whatever happened to me, and she did for awhile... but not for long.
She did not believe that my brother would do such a thing to me, and I kept on telling her that he did, even though it doesn't seem imaginable HE DID DO THAT. And she would just not tell my father about it because she thought that it would kill my father. Thankfully she accepted the fact that my uncle most likely hurt me because she knows that he has issues and did not need to be reminded of the other wrong things he had done to the family.
So that happened and after that little conference that my counselor and I had with my mom, she was angry that I did not tell her directly and told the school counselor to tell her... I was like so sad... she was sad too. She was sad because she sort of blamed herself for me getting hurt, she always worked multiple jobs when I was younger, so she did not have time for me.
But I can not really blame her, bad things always happen on this Earth, that is why no ones life is perfect.
No ones.
From that moment my life changed because I thought that I could tell my mothes anything, but I was quite wrong. She barely has anytime for me, not like she EVER had time for me anyway.
That really irritates me because today is my birthday and she did not even say Happy Birthday or even congratulate me. Only her mother, my grandma, told me Happy Birthday and gave me money(as my present) and a large hug as she wished me a good life, full of happiness and goodness.
Ok, going back in history, so after that day, a month later we went to England to celebrate this other far away uncle's wedding, not to be confused with the uncle that has problems that I talk ill about in this blog. It was a grand wedding with Ferrari's and Rolls Royce's and other grandiose cars, he owns a car place so that is why he was able to afford these gorgeous cars. It was a good wedding but I was always so worried about my sister because my brother came and so did that messed up uncle who hurt me came, the messed up uncle came from India with A WIFE... I was like WTF!?!?!? I was like how can HE have a wife... WTF.. did they not see how messed up he is!!! I was agitated and was extremely worried about the safety of my sister.. but I kept my sister safe. I told my mother to watch out for her, and even when my mom did not seem to listen I KNOW I helped my sister stay away from those pedophiles. In away I was really overprotective of my sister but I thank the lord that he helped my sister stay away from harm. I thank the lord A LOT!
My British speaking cousins also kinda helped me protect her because they knew that he was a bit messed up too, I did not tell them about my incident but they seemed to know from not a severe experience as mine, but by a minor experience that he was messed up.
I am glad and thankful for everything right now, most likely not for the bad, but for the good that came out of the things that went sooo wrong in my life.
From reading these previous posts that I have posted, I feel like I have been selfish and all pessimistic. I even started to cut myself a bit in the month that i told my mom about the incident... but I have learned after cutting myself with a safety pin (stupid I know!) that it is really pointless to do that. It is pointless because you think you are relieving your pain, but you are not, YOU FEEEEEEL like YOU ARE PAINLESS for A MOMENT. BUt the real deal is that THE PROBLEM STILL EXISTS! It was a bad decison but I learned from it, and I am thankful for learning from it.
That is pretty much the drama that happened over the summer.
There was like A LOT of hmwk over the summer, and there is a lot of hmwk now too, since I am a sophomore and taking really really really difficult classes! Well maybe not THAT difficult but having 5 honors classes and an Ap and two regular is pretty tough... lots of hmwk and lots of gaining weight because I can not ever handle stress correctly!
The thing that bugs me a lot this year, as it has always, is my extended family, that is mostly my Dad's side of the family... they are so fucking selfish and annoying and so fucking full of themselves... and now more than ever, I WILL speak up for my parents and myself... no more am I a baby, I am sixteen today, cuz today is my birthday and in two years I am legally and adult. And frankly I can say what I feel to them because those bastards need to know that this land is not based on traditions so they should take thier old shit somewhere else, cuz this girl here is about to explode on them. I have had a fight with them before, but this fight if I do have ti will be worse than the first, so they better cool it... or else, something heinously deadly will arise from one of their own family members, ME.
So glad that I can vent like this and no one except maybe one person knows who I really am, thank gosh for animosity!
:D
Yeah, so today is my birthday, and I have been busy doing stuff for 7-8 months that I have not been able to write in my diary, but I am writing now, so I hope that it is alright... there really isn't much time to sit down and write a lot anymore... I am either on facebook or doing hmwk, or arguing or depressed or sorting out something with someone, somewhere... the only thing I wish for my birthday is that I have a good life ahead of me and that I keep myself optimistic, faithful, and calm for the troubling years ahead.
Ameen.
Sincerely with lots of <3 and thanks,
SHAY

Yup...things are falling into place

2009-05-21T15:38:00.002-05:00

So the Odyssey trip was alright...it was raining just like my 8th grade trip, people were joking...lmao...and I was like so missing 8th grade.
I know I have not written in here for like 10 days, but I was lik really busy.
I got like this film fest xtra credit and then I told Ms. Gibson, the new lady that replaced Ms.Castellanos about my brother (yesterday) too. And she relieved me because she said that the DCFS won't look into what has happened to me because it has been a long time, and plus it has not happened to me since. I mean that is good in a way, cuz like I would not know what to tell my parents if they came. So, it is good, but it is bad too cuz like, Yeah it happened to me a long time ago but like still I think they need to look into it cuz it happened, I mean why do we even study history? So that we can learn from the mistakes...but I guess history does not matter since we never seem to learn from our mistakes. So, Ms. Gibson called my mom today, like she said I would and my mom is like yeah...this lady called and said I have to come to your school around your lunch period and talk to her and I am just like blank eyed...cuz I am scared of what might happen and what her reaction is going to be...I really want my mom to support unlike all the other times I have told her stuff about stress and other stuff. I just.. I just do not know what will happen...I hope, pray, and wish that it turns out okay...I really wish it does. Plus, Ms. Gibson said that since my brother lives with us, we might all need to go to counseling...and I am just like will that even work? My family is not perfect, I know that, but, do you really think my crazy ass family will agree to counseling, and how much is it even going to cost?
I am under so much pressure and stress...I do not even know what to do anymore... I need a sign.. like from Allah, or the stars, anything..to prove that things are going to be okay.

Just a sign.

I feel so tired today... I really do not feel good, my grandma said it is because I wake up so early and am so worried about school...right...worried about school...I am worried about my future and the future of everyone in this house, because, it is all going to change, I know...this secret is too dangerous to not change anything. I just hope, pray and wish, that things turn out alright...
and plus my sister is so damn annoying, she wanted to make pancakes like right now so I wrote down the recipe and she was like wanting to cook so I told her no you will get hurt. She did not listen and started to like take up space in the kitchen so told her again and she did not listen so I hit her with a WHISK not a whip, I do not have that at home, nor do I plan to, and she started fake crying, it was like a tap on the upper back...sheesh.. whatever, so my mom and grandma start to yell at me so I just quietly rip up the recipe sheet that I wrote down and went upstairs to my room.

Great day today,
SYKE!
Shay

P.S:Don't trust me - 3 somthing... iunnoo...whatever made it and it is like making me relax and forget about my past... and present, not my future though..

May 12, 2009

2009-05-12T17:14:00.002-05:00

I talked to the counselor lady that I told you all about today and she said that she was going to call my mom, cuz she did not call my mom yesterday, I was like kind of pissed because it is her duty to help me and she like totally did not do her duty, I mean that is what she gets paid to do. And I am kind of getting mad because like the time in nearing where I have to go on vacation and by some miracle I hope my uncle won't be there, I would be so THANKFUL, if that happens! But, like I don't know if it will, you know, sometimes miracles don't happen. But, I am trying to believe that that happens and no one gets hurt. I hope that my uncle and brother learn something when DCFS comes to question, which I have no clue when that will be, but, I hope that they learn that what they did was wrong and I hope and pray that they learn to respect women and females in general.
I AM SO HAPPY THAT FUNGI CLEANED UP MY COMPUTER! THANK YOU FUNGI! YOU ARE AWESOME AND I WILL NOT FORGET YOUR WATER BOTTLE FOR THE FIELD TRIP TOMORROW! I just felt so happy I had to write that in all capital letters.
I saw Mr.Ruby my reading teacher from 7th grade, I was like...woah! I do not know what he is doing here, WHAT IS HE DOING HERE? That was what I was thinking then...lol. But Fungi and I went a different way, so it doesn't really matter.
The lady still did not call my mom but she introduced me to this new lady that might take my case in, the new lady is SOO pretty, obviously she is white! But, still. Atleast it is a woman that can communicate with me and I will be comfortable talking about what has happened to me.
I feel okay today, just okay, I went a little hyper today at lunch, but it is okay. Gosh, Gabby is like kind of making me annoyed because since like this dude told her that this other dude likes her, she is like acting all nervous and I am like sheesh...atleast that dude likes you, get over it...shit. It is not like I am jealous but like she is trying to date this guy and trying to get the attention of this other guy while trying to avoid this other that likes her and is her friend. I am just like, WOAH, too much drama here, I have my own drama going on, I do not need your male drama right now, I have my own shit to worry about. Sometimes I feel as if she is just surreal, maybe she wants to have so much experience that she will never get. I mean we all wanna have fun and experience or break new boundaries, but still, you have to work with what you have got, so work with it. Anyway, that was really on my shoulders and I just had to let it out, it is not really a big deal but I am just glad that I can safely talk about here.
I LOVE GOOGLE AND BLOGGER!!! YEAH!
LOL...hyperness kicked in.
Somehow my mom is still mad...hahah she just called me...wait.. what the hell...she called me to tell me that I have to sweep the kitchen...WOW. What a ******* *****. That is just bogus. Whatever, I will clean it, but maybe at like 7 or 8 cuz I have so much homework, even though it is like due on thursday, but I take forever, so I am going to do what I can today, and I will try to finish all that I can, I need to finish everything...hopefully I will!

Ima watch Law and Order SVU and then go to sleep, oh yeah, I have to shampoo and condition my hair today...JOHN FRIEDA ROOT AWAKENING is like okay, it is wayyy better than Garnier. That I can say, cuz it is the truth for me, I think it only works on white people hair, that is why they have them in the commercials so much! NO joke...

Okay, I think my hyperness will keep me rambling so I am going to say arrivederci!
Love,
Shay

P.S.-Arrivederci means good bye in Italian...I just had to use a translator for those two words, good bye in english just sound so boring to me today, told you I was hyper as a loca.

Stuff

2009-05-11T16:58:00.004-05:00

Wow, it certainly has been a while since I have updated this blog. A lot of things have happened but I just wanna talk about some of it, maybe the major things that have kind of scared me.
1. I told a social worker/counselor at my school (a lady) about what my uncle did to me, like last thursday on the 7th, I did not want to tell about my brother because she said that DCFS will come to question about my uncle to my family and that I have to tell my parents about it, so she said that she would call my mom today, which is the 11th to see if my mom is available since I don't want to break my father' heart, because it would kill him (I think) if he found out directly that his son AND brother hurt his older daughter, I know it would. So, like she said she was going to call my mom with like an excuse about how I was stressed out and was going to like schedule and appointment to meet up with her and me, so that we could discuss it. So, I do not know what will happen yet, and so that is why for my facebook status I wrote: anticipation kills... : O. Cuz, in reality, I am like dead scared, like I know that if I had told on my brother, he would have been kicked out of the house and like would have been on the streets, even though he did so many horrible things to me I am just too nice to let him live his life, uninterrupted. But, like Fungi said, when my mom will find out about my uncle from the counselor, I am going to tell her personally what my brother did to me, cuz the family is what I always protected and they need to know, and if my mom does not tell my dad, I will be so pissed.
Cuz like today in the morning my mom was talking about how I am so like my dad and I tell like everything to everyone and how I am like a snitch and so she was like I am soooo glad that my son is like me, that he does not snitch, and I was like right, mom, I bet you do not even know how many secrets he has! And she went all silent. Somehow I feel as if she knows but she does not want to say anything, like she is trying to protect him or something, but like how can you protect someone who has hurt someone, someone that is your on blood, someone that is your sister, how can you hurt someone like that and not even formally apologize or let your parents know about that? How can someone do that? I think I know why someone would do that, someone like a fucking retard or pedophile would do that... and I just hate people like that, it is absolutely disgusting. I mean, how can someone even do that...anyway, I just hate him so much that I sometime wonder if I can hire people to kill him, ha! maybe that will be his fate in the future, to get killed by assassins...LOL!
2. I got into a huge fight with my stupid faggot brother. He stole my laptop and my phone and was like using them for himself when he has like 10 phones and a laptop and a regular computer, like greedy much??? He was like OH EVERYTHING BELONGS TO ME, I DO NOT HAVE TO ASK FOR YOUR PERMISSION, I was like OMG!!?!? I cried like hell that night and was going to tell everything he did to me on Monday when i was going to go to my counselor/social worker but I just thought that that might be the last straw in my parents marriage and might destroy them completely. So, he like returns my laptop with like 5 MB used! And like my simcard and the phone after I complained to my father about him stealing my technological gadgets.

I sometimes wish I did not have a brother so much cuz it is like, I would not have gone through such horrible exeriences, but then I also begin to wonder if I would have turned out this way, what if things could have been worse, and what if the bad things that could have happened to me had made my life worse, what then? But like the counselor/social worker said, I can not depend on WHAT IF's anymore, you do not know what could have happened and it was not my fault that it happened, it was life, life happened to me. I think that the counselor has really supported me and so have my closest and most beloved friends : Q and Fungi. If I did not have them, god, I do not know what I would do, probably go mentally psychotic.
3. I got into a fight with my mom and then my dad got into a fight with my grandma cuz he blamed my arguing with my mom her fault. I was like so sad and that happened on Saturday, a day before Mother's Day. I was like trying to apologize to my mom, but she was like so pissed at me she even told me that she wished that I was not born and she told me to go die, I was like so pissed and saddened, cuz I mean what the hell...she is so fucking bogus to me, she never raised me and I think, actually I am pretty damn sure that if she had raised me, I would have not been hurt by anyone, seriously. But, I have to listen to my counselor cuz she is right, I should not dwell on what could have happened, I have to work with what I was left with, so I am, and I will.

I have written a bit too much but I guess it is good to release all these things that I had stored in my soul, I wanted to release everything since the last time I wrote, since it has been like ten days since I have blogged.
I keep seeing hot guys everywhere, and I think that is something Gaby has taught me this year since being friends with her. She really has a good eye for really good-lookin guys, though she falls for some nerds here and there...LOL! But, I am so glad to have friends like Gaby, Q, and Fungi, they just make life worthwhile, like I said before, I do not know how my life would be like if I did not have them.
So like this Saturday, the 9th I went to this book club conference thingy @ Du Sable High School and it was cool, man I was like high on sugar, which is like really bad, because I feel like I only followed the diet for a week and just like ignored it for like the three weeks after that, but hey, it is not like I did that on purpose, it is really hard to change your lifestyle when you have only been taught eating like since the third day you were born! Sheesh.. Anyway, I keep watching this video of this guy named Fred on youtube, his real name is Lucas, but this Fred guy is hilarious! I just keep laughing my butt off. I love humans so much sometimes, but as always to an issue, sometimes I despise them.
However, (lol, I am using transitions in my sentences, FINALLY!) I feel so good to vent= express my feelings, my cousin taught me that word, she is really annoying she punched me on my knee and I got into a fight with my mom about that. Long story...don't really wanna talk about it, but yeah. I like blogging a lot...I just need to fing more bloggers to be friends with you know, it is kinda boring reading the same blog over and over again... I am going to explore google nowadays, and see what I am missing in my life, cuz afterall, like that couselor lady said, I AM IN CONTROL OF MY LIFE NOW! I feel so empowered because of her, it is sad that she is taking a new job elsewhere this Friday, I should have told her what happened to me earlier this year, stupid me, I guess it is just fate, and things are just supposed to happen this way, I just wish they happen in a way that I am left with a new happy life, without the heartache and confusion I had to go through during my horrible childhood.

Praying for the best,
Shay

I don't know.

2009-05-02T15:44:00.005-05:00

I do not know what to write in here anymore, I mean do I want to keep talking about my miserable life...I d k. Maybe I will, Maybe I won't. I am just tired of writing crap. Sorry, but that is how I feel.

I can wear contacts again!!! Only in a week my eyes got much better but I still gotto control my contact wearing. Atleast I am gonna be with out my glasses for a while, cuz my glasses have made marks on my already screwed up nose. LOL.

I wanted to go so badly...but I had an eye appointment. Ah....I missed my service learning opportunity today, my friends now have 20 hours each, and I only have 15, I gotto catch up.... but I really do not know how....I will find a way to catch up though. I just wanna go to chuck-e-cheese and have fun... I have so much homewok to do... I feel so stressed....tonight should be a good breather for me. I just beat the shit out of my sister...fucking annoying ass bitch...can't even take care of her new glasses...so pissed off right now. It is not MY DAMN FAULT that she got glasses...that is her fault because of how much t.v. she watches...she has astigmatism because my dad has it and now her eyes have to be corrected so she wears glasses. But, she almost broke them today, that day she got them was today too. So I slapped the stupid out of her today, on the left shoulder. She better learn how to take care of her new glasses or I will break them...like no joke...and I do not care about calming down either.

SHit, I work my ass of for things. And today my mom made me realize that I only care about my academic learning and not my body. And I realized that that is sooo true. Like usually I would diss my mom but earlier today, we had like this bond that just released itself and allowed us to connect and I glad that happened. She told me that academics will always be there and that it is absolutely wonderful that I am working hard for my grades. But she said that I also have to think about my body because the body has to be healthy in order to let the brain think. I agreed with her because that is so true. She also said that in order to get an education, that body needs to be healthy enough to go that institution of learning (school) and recieve that education, and to continue to let that happen, the body needs to get healthy. or healthier. I so agree...I want to get more active...I just am afraid that I will lose my t.v. time when getting healthier...but I guess that is why they have re-runs and stuff, and t.v. will always be there, I know that I won't so to enjoy life, I want to make sure that I am in the best shape possible....I want to get stronger, and more healthier...I can not stand to be hurt by anyone's words or actions anymore...this is a battle for me and I was losing since probably when I was born, but now I need to take charge and I need to make sure that I defeat my long-time opponent, obesity. I sound funny or ridiculous, but my doctor said I was over weight by like 30-40 pounds, but I think I am obese, not overweight. I am gonna work hard...I have too. I am gonna work hard in school and on my body, my family and my friends...so when I do die, I would die healthily and with the people I love....I am getting teary... sorry... so many apologies...never anything in return.
Oh, yeh, I had a heart murmur when I was born...I am going to find out what that is. And then I got out of the hospital after three days and then I could not stop crying (IDKW) so then they fed me baby cereal...like wtf...it is their damn fault that my stomach is so big and why I am so fat.
Oh yeah, I think I am going to tell a teacher about what happened to me when I was younger on like next week, I am so scared of what might happen to me and my family. Oh Allah, please help me through this tough time...I wish I could get support from my family and friends when I reveal what happened to me....I am just so scared... I need to reveal this so that my family is safe, otherwise they are going to be in danger as well. And I do not want them to be in danger and confusion like I was. hell no! I went through hell until I figured out what happened to me. And now I want to go through peace of mind, cuz frankly, I deal with a lot...a lot that I don't even write about, and even if I began, I don't think it would even end.
Hoping for the best next week,

Love,
Shay

P.S. - I got my dot today, my back and stomach started hurting like hell and then I took aleve and I was okay until later, then I ate and got better. LOL. Lately I have been obssessing about hot guys.... weird! LOL. HORMONES!!!

NEW!!!

2009-04-23T13:43:00.002-05:00

LOL...yes the title is catchy with the three exclamation points. I got NEW glasses! They look weirdish cuz they are smaller but whatever... they are nice. Though the thing is that the two different eye doctors that I went by are giving me different feedback about my eyes. Like the lady is saying that the glasses I had has too high a prescription and the dude that prescribed my glasses is saying that my prescription is right for me...I am like confuzled (if that is a word! IDk if it is..) about who to believe, I mean they are both eye doctors, they have to agree on my eyes, HELLO! WE ARE PAYING THEM FOR THEIR SERVICE, and they have to do their job, so why the hell aren't they giving me a striaght answer...damn I am pissed at them both. By the way, they are from different places, like companies, so I think that is partially why they aren't agreeing because none of them want to look bad. Whatever man, if these glasses are still bugging me even after a week I am gonna go scream at the dude who prescribed them...cuz they were like A LOT of money, like 400 almost!
Anyway, yesterday we went to go get my glasses from LenCrafters, where we got my previous glasses and my NEW glasses and so my mom, dad, and I went to go get them. My dad starts to check out these women that come in LensCrafters looking like hoochies. My mom just looks at my Dad and my Dad just keeps looking at the hoochies, and I was like wtF?!?!? Why is my mom not doing anything about this? Hello! HE is you fucking husband, make him stop. LIke I am his daughter and I can follow his eyes u knoe! My mom just yelled at him and called him a pervert and my dad kinda stopped but not really. I was like pissed as hell and treated my dad like cra when I got home. He should have gotten the message of anger that I was feeling and he did.
Cuz today, I was playing soccer with my sister in our backyard and then I accidently kicked the ball right into her chest and she just fell over...I was like SHIT! She was crying like crazy and my mom was like pissed off at me and started laughing cuz my sister did not hit the ball right...it was a hilarious moment cuz my sisters face was just confusion and then pain...lol. And so she went to sleep painfully for a while. So then my Dad's phone comes from work out of nowhere and I, being the responsible child that I am, told my dad about the soccer incident. My dad was like so pissed, he was like I am tired of you and you are becoming a burden on the family and so I was like fuck this and I just gave the phone to my mom. And she was like Shay, I told you to not tell him, he is a total headache, why did u have to start this shit. I was like I know right...shit, And so I just apologized to my sister, she accepted and went to sleep while I came to my room to swear and go on the laptop.
I am so glad that I have this laptop though, so what if it is an Acer laptop...heck it is better than nothing! I realized that I love writing...and I guess this is my daily hobby.
MAn, I just felt my jaw and I had this like little jello ball that was on the left side of my jaw, I took medicine and it was going away and then all my medicine was gone cuz I ate it all. So now, like it grew back and it is like harder than ever...Shit. My doctor said that if it grows back then I am going to have to do like an operation or something because it would go away if it was an infection with the use of medicine, but now it grew back, so I think that it has gotten worse and probably formed into something bad...I am scared...I don't wanna die this early...shit. I am gonna tell my mom and schedule an appointment with my doctor. This better not be life threatning. I would go balistic, or if it is, then there better be a way to save my life.
I have so much homework, I better get to it now... I even have a Spanish test tomorrow...man...so much shit to worry about...I also heard that Obama wants to mak school like year long with like multiple 2 week breaks ... shit, Ima be so stressed....

Whatever,
Shay

Background

2009-04-22T11:27:00.002-05:00

This new background is like weirdly uglyish looking to me, I need help with it or if you have suggestions, then please recommend me layouts, thanks!

No, forget it, Ima just use one of these google layouts that they offer, sheesh I change my mind so much!

Shay

Earth Day!

2009-04-22T10:35:00.003-05:00

I do not know why, but I feel so happy about Earth day, I feel like today is the day to connect with Mother Nature and be absolutely natural. I do not know what I mean by natural exactly, but something about being real. I feel as if so many people act fake and are intimidated by other people to act a certain way, but today, I feel as if people need to be there real self and show who they really are. The Earth deserves to be treated right because it harbors the craziest species, Humans, in my opinion humans, like myself and other humans, are the craziest species because we are killing the Earth with out chemicals and crazy mumbo jumbo. I feel like today, we all, no matter what color, size, shape, race, religion any human is, we need to be real and start helping out Earth, because afterall, we are the ones who really are causing it the most trouble.

Let me tell you a story, when I was younger, I always felt connected to the weather, like you know X-Men, to be more exact, like Storm. I swear that I could stop and start the weather I desired, and my cousins are my proof, no lie. But after one day of being able to do that, it did not work anymore, that day I realized that wishing for something only lasts for a little while. You may get something, but it is only a little while until it just goes away. And that is what exactly happened to my "Storm" powers. I knew what I felt when I was "controlling" was real but I also knew that it had to be chance, maybe the Lord Almighty was giving me a little hand to relieve my stress and make me feel like I am wanted in this world and that I do have a space in the world. And today, I can say that I do have a space in this world. That one day changed my mind about the Earth, my religion, and my belief in miracles. Humans aren't that powerful to control weather, heck, I could not even last a full 24 hours, but we are able to do something to help the wonderful place that we call a home, our planer Earth. Each and everyone can help someone, either be it a pet or a person, one person can make a big difference.
When I read about the stuff about Earth Day, I got so emotional because so many bad things like animal extinction and global warming just was tugging at my mind, almost about to shut me down. It hurt me thinking that Mother Nature does so much for us and we can not even do one little thing to help her in her process of helping us survive. It kind of reminded me of my mother. Even though we have so many arguments, I still love her, and anytime someone yells at her I stand up for her because I know how much she does for my family. I feel like anyone can make a difference, we have known people like Gandhi ( I had to choose my Indian dude cuz he is so peaceful) , MLK, Mother Theresa, Mandela and others, who have made a huge impact in so many ways to help others living on this Earth. They are famous, but they are humans too. And they made a difference and got recognized for it. I think that you do not have to be famous to make a difference. From now on I will try my very best to help out the Earth in any way, and that starts with conserving our resources: water, electricity, heck even food, recycling, etc. I feel the Earth when I hear about all the creatures that are close to extinction and when I hear about the places that I becoming flooded. The Earth is crying, the result is animals are hurting and chaos is coming. We humans are the only creatures that are responsible of this dilemma and need to solve it before things get too far off hand. Today I am Mother Nature's messenger, not Prophet, but just a little tiny helper. And I know that we all can make a difference, as Gandhi said once: Be the change you wish to see in the world. And that is exactly what I am gonna do from now on, one step at a time.

Loving the Earth,
Shay

Today is National Pot Smoking Day

2009-04-20T21:01:00.004-05:00

To learn about Marijuana go to this site:http://www.perkel.com/politics/issues/pot.htm

To tell you the truth, I feel so depressed, angry, and stressed I am willing to try it, just for one day even. I even know people who do it. And they were telling me the truth about it. I feel so trapped, this could be my only possible escape. Reading this article has really opened my eyes on pot. But, I do not really know if I should try it cuz my bro is like pot is bad cuz I asked him and he is like are u smoking it, yes u are ure eyes are shining and I am like no. Cuz I didn't and I am like maybe he will suspect me doing pot and if he finds out, my parents are never gonna trust me anymore. I do not know what to do. Whatever, if I feel stressed I will see if I would be able to do it. But, maybe, maybe not.

Anyway, Gossip Girl was awesome today, I can not wait till next week for the new episode.

Feeling depressed today for a lot of reasons that I do not wanna talk about right now,
Love,
Shayla

Rain Rain Go Away, Come Again Another Day!

2009-04-19T19:03:00.002-05:00

It is like pouring outside, intermittently. I am like wow. Just wow. Nothing really to say about the weather, except that I can not trust the weather people from FOX news anymore. They always give the wrong information. It is like, what the hell do you get paid for, for giving the public wrong information? Very greedy weathermen (or women).
Anyway, I had another dream about beating someone up. This time it was my sister. I beat her up so much in my dream, that my parents had to take her away from me, and now that I am remembering it more, I think the cops came. I really do not remember that much.
Nothing really happened yesterday, when I said I would post later on. Except that my mom is becoming a #1 Biotch. LIke no lie, I liked her better when she was not so bitchy. Anyway, I finished all of my homework today, thank the Heavens and the Lord Almighty! LOL...weird.
I am gonna go chill, tomorrow is school and so is Tuesday, and Friday.
NO SCHOOL ON WED. and THURS!!! Juniors are testing, I should start studying for the ACT's too, my dad is all like talking about me and saying how I need to do the best ever...I feel so pressured cuz If I do not make it to like UIC or Northwestern, I am so screwed....my family will treat me like shit, well more shittier than ever.
I love typing out my feelings, it feels good to do that; just expressing your thoughts. I want to write stories, but I know that once I do, I will be like who wants to read this bull? I hate that I do that, but I feel like I would have to write so much to that one story...I like writing a story and finishing it and writing another story, sort of similar to it, not really. Enfinity is already writing her stories and publishing them online...that is her hobby. Fungi likes to do the Forum and find music on her favorite band, Q is obssessed with sports. I want my obssession to be a lot of things, not just writing.
I will find my obssessions, I am just gathering them one at a time.

Love,
Shayla

2009-04-18T11:08:00.002-05:00

I feel so tired this morning. I keep having weird dreams, again. This time I remember beatng the crap out of this kid called Nick at our school. I don't really have anyhthing against him but I do not know why, I just beat the crap out of him. And what is weird is that I beat the crap out of him in Mr.Kaplan, my science teacher's room, where I also met with Youjoung, Eliza, Daniel, and Yejin. It was so weird. I do not understand the meaning of it at all. Though, I think that I know some what of what it means, a frnd told me that if you end up hurting someone in your dream, that mean you hate them. So I guess my subconciousness hates Nick. That is just weird, I do not really even know that person that well to hate him, but, somehow my brain in hating him, possibly because of his current actions, he was being a total dumbass pervert at school. So maybe my brain hates him for that? I don't really know. But, I guess my brain knows better than my heart.
Anyway, I will try to post up anything else that goes on today, it is too early to tell what will happen, each day seems like a surprise to me.
So far, I got my algebra homework done, like an hour ago. Stupid agilemind...so annoying. And then I had to do like this chart thingy, which I was supposed to do with the agilemind..and so that took me a while but I got it done.
I still have four things of world studies (including a political cartoon, I do not even know how to draw!!!!) , I have to study for biology, and I have to re-do my outline for this writing class, alll= over again. The teacher checked it over like twice and only told me like yesterday that I had to change my introduction with a completely new statistic, all at the last minute, I was like so pissed, and she was like sorry shay did not tell you earlier. I was like: -_____ -
Like my face just answered her apology. Anyway, with like almost 1 day and a half left to finish my homework, I hope I can get it done well enough, without rushing through it like at the last minute, which I usually end up doing. Because I need to start managing my time because I want to start doing some extracurricular activities afterschool for credits so I can't lag on homework all the time.
OOOH. And I might be for sure going to ENGLAND!!! Cuz yesterday I was looking for tickets online cuz my dad was being annoying so I looked for cheap tickets and there was one that was for Air Canada. And it was like super cheap and it was going from chicago to ontario and ontario to london. And I think we might go, but, I really do not know cuz we have been looking for tickets since like 2-3 months already.
I wish I go though!

Love,
Shay

WOAH

2009-04-16T18:39:00.003-05:00

I have not written(typed) anything here in a while, wow. I have nothing really to say...never mind, I do have some things to say. On Monday I went to my eye doctor and it turns out my other eye doctor gave me the wrong prescription and my eyes got worse because of that and I have like an allergy due to Acuvue contacts. (Spelling error possible in acuvue!) lol. I was like damn, like we pay the doctors for no reason besides to ruin our eyes...selfish people. And on that day, I had like a huge fight with my stupid ass brother. He was like making fun of me and he just made me cry my ass off that night. My dad was like yelling at him and my mom and things weren't so good until I got home. After that I just fell asleep. And then Tuesday was like blah. And then yesterday, Wednesday I got scared while watching this show that was in spanish because it was talking about little children dressed in white that entered homes at night or were spirits or something like that. They had like video surveliance of the kids in white and like the ghosts or whatever they were would be caught because cameras catch anything the is electromagnetic and ghosts and supernatural beings seem to have an excess amount of electromagnetic energy so cameras can catch it because they themselves are made of high electromagnetic energy, something like that.
And I was like OMG! I was so scared to even sleep. I kept on praying last night so that nothing like that would not come to me. LOL. I know it may sound ridiculous but I believe in the supernatural. Speaking of Supernatural, the new episodes aren't even today, they are next week....grr. I missed gossip girl and ANTM. I better go and catch up on them, if I am able to. I am so glad tomorrow is the last day of school before the weekend, cuz I am tired as ever!
I also found out like yesterday or the day before that our class field trip to Indiana Dunes was postponed for later on when we were supposed to go next week. I was like man wtf? We paid and they postponed...this is unfair, but they ARE going to have it, so no reason to complain, it better be good though, cuz u have to be at the school at 6 o' clock, so early in the morning, but hey, I ahve heard it is fun.
My diet feels weird, my parents think I will be gaining weight since I eat little and go ot sleep like right away. Lately, I have only been eating like small snacks after school and haven't been eating dinner, I just don't feel like eating, I feel fullish. Well, the dietician will tell me what I should do like next month, until then I will try my best to stop putting my tiredness in the way of my diet.

In the meantime, I will go and chill.
Lately I have been drinkng like tons of water, like when I got home I finished like 3 full bottles of water in like 3 hours, bottle per hour, I am still thirsty. I am gonna finish up my homework and go relax.

Feels good to spill out my feelings,
Shay-la

: P

2009-04-12T15:01:00.002-05:00

I just read somethings online and it just makes me so angry.
I am gonna go.
So.
That.
I.
Can.
Calm down.

GGGGGGRKFJLKfKlfJEKFJEFKJEOijaefeikfjnefk;ohEHFREJRHELh.

So pissed,
Shay-la is fuc**** pissed.

Grandparents

2009-04-12T14:49:00.000-05:00

My grandparents came back! I am so happy that they are back. But when we picked them up I felt as if my grandfather was being really mean to my grandma. He was like telling her that she is making up lies and that she was talking non-sense. I think I am not going to like my grandfather's attitude anymore, afterall he is my step grandfather, like the fourth one that my grandmother married. My grandma got fatter, like as in more like grandma-ish looking. I was like woah when she got off the airplane and out of the customs place. I missed her so much and now she is here, I am so happy!
Although I am happy that my grandparents are here, I am not going to be that happy any longer. I have this feeling that things are not going to last so well. I always seem to get dreams and feelings, possible intuition, telling me how things are going to go. But, I also feel that things are going to work out the way I want them to. Maybe I am wrong, or maybe I am right, only time shall tell.
My grandma was like "you looks so much slimmer!" And I was like , really? No, it is just because you have not seen me for like 3 months. I agree with my thinking because the day I went to go see the dietician, she told me how much I weighed and I was like, wow, that is a lot. Nontheless, I accepted her complement and tried my best not to over eat in the excitement that my grandma is here. By joy, I ate a small piece of sweet she bought, it was the size of half of my thumb. It was pretty small, my mom was gonna cut me more since it was my favorite sweet but I was like no thanks. I felt really bad since my grandma bought it just for me from so far away, practically 3 seas : Atlantic, Mediterrenean, and Indian Oceans. Though I guess it would be alright since she knows I am trying my best to eat and live healthier.

Enought about my grandparents, or at most my grandma.

It has been like 3 hours since my grandparents came, and my mom has been giving me like a million things to do, I was like man, wth! And she was all bitchy, but I helped. And then my sister was bugging me so I was like stop shaj! And she did not so I accidently tickled her and she bumped her head by a table and she got like a small bruise by her eye. It is like super red, and I think the reason it shows so much is because she has super white skin, even though she plays in the sun like crazy. I felt so bad I even used ice to help her...so it is like sort of ther and sort of gone. But, it was not my fault she was fooling around and she hurt herself practically.

I think now that my grandparents are here, my mom is going to be more bossy and annoying. But hey, atleast I have an escape, this blogger and my friends.

Love you all,
Shay

ARE YOU FRIGGIN SERIOUS?!?!?!?!?

2009-04-11T16:39:00.002-05:00

I found out like last night that my beloved grandparents are gonna come a day later due to stupid airline turbulence/frequencies. Like wtf! I could have gone out somewhere at the last minute with my friends, they have been wanting to hang out since like forever. I hate Air India so much, bullshit world. It just makes me realize that I do not like that place or country anymore even though it is a place of my origins. Whatever. I blew off the steam I was letting in. And you know what makes it worst? The bull fact that my parents went shopping (shoes, clothes, etc) without me in the morning. They just woke me up and were like Shay, I am going to go to Kenosha so clean the house. I was like WTF??? right in their face. I told them that this is not fair because I never get to go anywhere. And they were like well you should have told us earlier. I was like I did not even know!!!! And they were like we don't have much time, do you want to buy something over there? And I was like yeah, but how can I since I am not going? And then I just closed the door on them. Whatever man, I am sick of the and I am gonna try my best to make my self happy. Bull is what they are and Ima get out of the bull as soon as possible.

I want to fly, fly away.
LIke kelly clarkson, except she want to Break Away.

Love,
Shay

Done

2009-04-10T16:47:00.002-05:00

YEAH! I am done with my homework! I started it on Wednesday and finished today, there were like 6 things I needed to get done! WOOT WOOT.
I am tired now, even though it is nice outside and the sun is shining so prettily.
I feel a kind of happiness and relief when the weather is like this.
I wish it stays like this forever.

Sad

2009-04-08T16:29:00.005-05:00

It is not fair. It seems like all I write about on this blog is about my sadness. I have realized that I barely ever write about something good.

Life sucks a lot since I can't go anywhere with my friends, and it is Spring Break so that is sooo bogus. My family is pissing me off and so is all the homework I have recieved. I only found time today do my homework and I don't think I will be able to finish, since I can not find a quite place to study.

I started the new healthy diet though!

And I felt that my system was being cleaned out. I got scared at first because I thought this was bad but I then realized that it was nothing like that, my system was just getting healthier and remove the gunk in my stomach/body. I want to stick with this new diet forever. I hope that I am able too.

Thank you Fungi for the skins and how to put it on but I think to make my life simple, I am just gonna stick with the layouts that the blogger provides...even though they may suck. I re-appologize for not being able to go with you and Q to the bowling thingy but please go without me. I do not want to be the reason why you guys postponed a fun-afternoon out. But, I can ride my bike tomorrow and Friday, this time I am for sure about it. Though it has to be after 1:00 p.m. Not on Saturay because my grandma is coming back. Guys, I feel horrible, I always let you down when it comes to us hanging out together. And then we don't really even get to talk that much anymore.

Writing all of this has made me kinda sad... reading all these posts have made me realize that my life is one depressing shithole.
(Please excuse my language)

Very sadly,
Shay

A New Beginning?

2009-04-06T21:37:00.003-05:00

I think that my life is almost where I want it to be, a healthier step than before. I went to meet a dietician today to talk about healthy choices and about changing my lifestyle. I think that that person did an excellent job about changing me health habits, the test is if I will keep what the lady said on my mind about healthy foods. The weird thing was that she did not really talk in about calories like I thought she would. She said that I did not have to worry about that since I am a teen and am still developing. I was like "ing your face mom". It felt good to have the Dr. tell my mom about the diet thing because she never thought that whatever I was saying about my diet was true. I think I will take in those healthy thoughts and make my life better. The lady even gave me like a pamphlet and like a food journal that she wants me to write in. I might go see her in May or June. I can not wait to see the change. She made me realize a lot about what I ate and when I ate it. I never ever realized so much about my life within' a few hours of conversation. I hope, wish, and pray, one of them has to work, that I make a good difference in my life.

Good news: MY BIKE IS FIXED!!!!
My brother fixed my bike. Yeah, I think he remembers the past and is feeling guilty sometimes, especially in front of my dad, who he really is afraid of. My parents still do not know what happened, and I think it maybe time to tell them soon about it. Anyway, my brother fixed my bike and he rode it first. : P And then he is like, it sucks, it is gonna break soon. I am like "u sat on it, maybe that is why it is gonna break soon?" And then he is like "no, because you used to ride it". It was a funny conversation but I don't really remember it.

I started to take in some of the healthy advice and I ate like fruit today and a lot less of food. Oh my lord! It was pretty awesome because I thought that I could listen to instructions better and remember things better. I really think it is awesome. I sound crazy, but it is okay. I am sorry if I turn into a health freak.

I wanna go bike riding. Fungi, call me!!!! or something.

Today was my cousin's birthday. I wish her the best birthday since my mom would not let me go to it, since it was @ 9: 00 p.m. I was so annoyed since I had made a card for her. She is very dear to me, one of the closest family members I have. I really wish her the best 15th birthday, from the bottom of my heart.

Love,
Shay-la

FML

2009-04-05T14:29:00.002-05:00

I hate everything so much sometimes. Like today's weather, it is raining sort of so my mom won't let me fix my bike or let me go anywhere. Sometimes I feel like she is such a BITCH. I hatecalling her that because she does so much to feed me and and put a roof oer my head. But soemtimes I can't help calling her that because of the way she treats me. I am the only one who helps her around the house...even when doing my homwork or studying my behind of for an exam. Having all honor classes is hard when you have health issues, school issues, and family issues. I went through a traumatic stage when I was younger, like I said in the last post. I was molested, by my uncle and brother. It is very difficult to talk about but now I dont care anymore. I want a change in my household and my brother is an ass. For what he did to me and what he might/had done to my little sister. I am going to find help from school to officially talk about this but I just wanted to put this out there because I am having a really bad day today. I sometimes wonder how my life would have been like if I was born elsewhere. Like in a different family or place, would my life have been better, or worse? I always keep thinking that it could be better. I am scared now that I let it out. Xiu is right, that person is not hurting me anymore but I still am being hurt, mentally and emotionally. I keep getting visions and nightmares about what my uncle and brother did to me. I mean my brother apologized to me when I was young but, he started making fun of me when I was like 8 or 9 years old. And my uncle, he kept asking me to be "fucked", literally. But I knew that that wasn't right. Since I was 4-6 years old I kept thinking about what happened to me and I figured it all out with Xiu's help in 2007. If she had not been there, I think I really would have ended up in a mental hospital.

I want to thank you, Fungi!

I am hoping that people who are reading this find sympathy, because unless you have been through something like this, you really do not know how it feels to go through something like this when you are a little child.

Sincerely,
Shay-la
I like that name, it reminds me of the character in the Uglies series by Scott Westerfield.
Love that series!

So far...

2009-04-03T17:58:00.003-05:00

I could not even log on since I created this blogger. Finally I get to log on, my mom is literally killing me with chores. I hate doing so many chores, it is pointless, everything keeps getting dirty anyway. Whatever. It seems like every time that I have time to myself someone, anyone always comes and ruins it. I don't know where my life is going, but it sure is not going where I want it to go. I wish I had more freedoms. I wanted to go bike riding like yesterday and I wanted to go today too. But it turns out that my bike's tire has a hole or something so the air doesn't stay in the tire. I asked my mom about my tire and fixin my bike, since my dad is too busy to care about me, and she's like we will take it tomorrow to get it fixed. Right. She has been saying that to me for like 5 days now. It is so unfair. It is spin break and I can't even get to go anywhere or do anything. Life is so unfair. I realized that I let so many oppurtunities of fun pass me by because of stupid parental rules. I am old enough to take my life in my own hands. I don't need anyone to tell me how to run my life, but I let anyone who is older than me do so. I let them run my life, but hey if I think they are right then I will only allow them to do so.
Anyway,
I found this funny video online while surfing youtube.com: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8UtL3maK8aU
It is super hilarious!

I miss my friends: Gab, Fungi, and Q.

I wanna go bike riding Phuong, but my stupid bike has some issues with it, I need to fix it first and then I will tell you when we can go biking... I promise!

I wanted to talk about what happened to me a long long time ago when I was like 4-6 years old. But, I guess I will talk about it in the next post if I happen to. If not then someother time then. My friends already know, and I think you can pretty much guess from what I am writing but I want to talk about it and I want to get over it. I have been holding it inside since I was 6 and now I am like 15 years old.

I have been crying about it for like the past two weeks because I keep getting nightmares about it but I try to forget by putting on a smile on my face. I try everything to forget but somethings you can never forget even though you try to.
So like right now, I feel kinda sad, but hopefully I will cheer up. I hope no one makes fun of me for writing this.

Sincerely,
Shay

Me

2009-04-01T14:52:00.000-05:00

Hi! My name is Shay. That is my nickname that most people know me by or call me. I started this blog so that I could express my feelings. I like to talk a lot and my parents are so strict they barely ever let me express myself, so I started a blogger; all on my life. My life is not that interesting but if I tell you some deep stuff, you would be surprised. There are so many things that I still do not understand about myself, but what I know I might be able to tell you. Like many teenagers, my hormones are raging and I think my parents are old-fashioned/ lame. But, I am unique, because I am Indian, not Native American but my parents originate from India, therefore I am DESI!!!! lol. So, many of my family members feel as if I am "white", that is why I think my family is kind of racist. What makes a person "white"? Whatever, anyway, I wanna write, or type and express my bottled feelings, I feel like it is time to free my mind, from almost all the worries I have. Oh and the name FaeryDust just popped out of my head, I like how fairy is spelled : faery. And then Dust just came from some X-Men character. And that character is Muslim and so am I. So yea... I will post later on, hopefully.
<3
S.